Bill pulled up a stool at his favorite bar and announced. “My wife Suzie must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!” “What makes you say that?” the bartender inquired.

“Last week..." Bill explained. “I had to take a couple of sick days from work. Suzie was so thrilled to have me around that every time the milkman or mailman came by, she’d run down the driveway waving her arms and hollering, ‘My husband’s home! My husband’s home!’”...

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A man and his wife are running out of money.

Now out of options, the wife decides to take up prostitution to get some money. The husband takes her to the corner of the street, and later comes back that night, picking up his wife. He turns to her and asks "how much did you make", she replies "$200.05" The husband double takes and says "who's the asshole who paid you 5 cents?" and the wife says "all of them"...

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My friend with a cocaine addiction recently quit.

It was the end of the line for him....

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The job interviewer asked, "whats your full name?"

"It's Peter Fucking Bastard Piss Flaps Smith." The interviewer asked me, "do you suffer from tourettes Peter?" "No" I replied, "but the priest at my baptism did."...

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Three plastic surgeons meet at a conference...

The first, an Australian, talks about the latest triumph in Australian reconstruction. 'A guy was torn apart by dingoes. All we had left was his right ear. We took the ear, reconstructed the entire body and now he's back at work. As a matter of fact, he replaced six men.' The English plastic surgeon promptly tops the story. 'We had a nuclear accident at a power station, and all that was left was a single hair. We took that hair, reconstructed the entire human being and now he's back at work at the power station. Where he's replaced twenty men.' The...

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Did you hear about the math teacher who’s afraid of negative numbers?

He will stop at nothing to avoid them....

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As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said,

“You know, one would have been enough.”...

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