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Thứ Ba, 26 tháng 6, 2018

A Man talks to a Lawyer

A man talks to a lawyer and says "My wife wants to divorce me."

"On what grounds?" The lawyer asks.

"On any ground where she can get a judge to okay it." The man responded.

The lawyer tries again with "I mean does she have any ground for the divorce?"

"Yeah she owns half of our two acres. Think we can take her land from her?" The man replies.

The lawyer decides to try rephrasing the question as "I mean is there a grudge?"

"No. We don't have anything fancy like that. We just park in the driveway." The man replied.

"She wants the divorce? I mean do you beat her up or something?" The lawyer tried again.

"Oh, no. She gets up about a half an hour earlier than me. I'm a heavy sleeper so there aint no chance I will ever beat her up."

The lawyer finally asks "Okay, why do you think she wants a divorce?"

To which the man replies with "She says I never understand what she's talking about."

-- Told to me by a pastor, recently.

Thứ Hai, 25 tháng 6, 2018

Most serial killers are men.

That's because women like to kill one man slowly over many many years.

Feminists just want to be treated equally

To the pretty ones.

Caitlyn Jenner becomes a super hero but doesn’t know what group to join...

She’s still deciding whether to be an Ex-men or a Trans-former

My buddy said to me yesterday, "If I shagged your wife, would that make us related!?"

I said, "No man, that would just make us even."

A man is walking home alone late one foggy Halloween night when behind him he hears: BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...

Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.

BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him. FASTER... FASTER... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP.... He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him. However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping. clappity-BUMP...clappity-BUMP... clappity-BUMP... on his heels, as the terrified man runs.

Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, he locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.

With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door. Bumping and clapping toward him. The man screams and reaches for something, anything...

All he can find is a box of cough drops! Desperate, he throws the cough drops at the coffin ...

...and...of...course,

...the coffin stops!

Good ol'e USA

18: can I buy a bottle of wine?

USA: no that's illegal & irresponsible

18: can I go $50,000 into debt for education?

USA: we encourage it