A man strides into a bar, grinning from ear to ear.

He sets down at the bar and orders a beer. "In fact, make that a round on me."

The bar cheers, and the bartender brings him his drink, he asks, "So, why the celebration?"

"I am reinventing myself! A new man! Just a month ago, I was miserable. But then..." He laughs. "Then my life changed! I had to put it all behind me. I always wanted to live in California, so I sold everything I had, broke my lease, and moved here. I got an apartment right over there across from the bar, and just today I landed my dream job." He drains half his beer, "Life is GREAT!"

The bartender stands back and beams, hands on his hips, sharing the man's joy, "That's great man...y'know, most guys would not have the balls to pack up and leave like that."

At that, the man lets out a peal of laughter, spilling his beer and nearly falling off his stool. "And that's the kicker! I don't have ANY balls! None at all!" As you might expect, the bartender looked confused. The man leans over the bar. "You see, starting about 10 years ago, I started getting terrible headaches. I mean they were crippling, man. Couldn't sleep. Couldn't eat, Couldn't work...hell, sometimes I could barely walk. And they just kept getting worse. I finally found a doc that found the problem....turns out it was something with my balls, pressing into the base of my spine. The pressure was causing the headaches. I mean...it was a hard decision...but the headaches were ruining my life. I was damn near suicidal. So...well...off they came. And now I'm completely reinventing myself. Next step, get a new wardrobe." He holds up his glass in a toast and drains it, waggling for another as he swallows.

The bartender's jaw has dropped. "That...that's incredible." He turns to fill the glass and looks up as the beer pours in. "Hey...y'know... I think I can set you up." he looks up over the bar and scans around. He quickly sees who he's looking for. "Barry! Hey Barry, get over here...this man needs a new suit." He looks back to the new customer. "This guy's amazing, totally old school. Can size a guy just by looking at him. Makes all of his suits himself, and I'll get him to cut you a deal."

Up walks a thin, bespectacled, immaculately dressed elderly man. He approaches the bar, "Yes?", he says in a clipped voice.

"Got a customer for ya, Barry. Treat him nice, he's been through a lot."

"Ah! You are wanting a new suit?" He looks the man up and down. He pulls his spectacles down on his nose. "A...reinvention of yourself?"

Then man beams, "Yes! Exactly! new job, new city, new friends...and now I need a new suit."

"Hmmm...collar is 15, yes?"

"Yes! Exactly!"

"42 long jacket feels to long, 42 feels too short, yes?"

"Yes! Exactly!"

"I will cut it custom for you. Tall and slender...waist 32..inseam 34..."

"Ah...you got the waist right, but I'm a 32 inseam. Always have been."

Barry waves his hand dismissively and continues his examination. "No...no..you are are a 34 inseam. 32 is too short. A 32 would push your balls right up into your spine. Give you one hell of a headache."

Read More

Three T-Rexes are walking when one of them brushes against a shiny stone.

A genie appears and grants them one wish each.

The first says "Make a huge hunk of meat fall from the sky in front of me." The genie clicks his finger and it happens. The first T-Rex begins eating happily.

Thinking of the possibilities the second T-Rex yells "Make a shower of meat all over the place." Again the genie clicks his finger and it begins showering small chunks of meat which the second T-Rex begins snatching up.

The third T-Rex, not satisfied, roars "Make the same as the last one, but make it a MEATIER SHOWER!"

Read More

A teacher decides to let students out early if they can name the origin of famous quotes...

...Teacher says, "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Johnny raises his hand first but teacher calls on Susie instead, "Abraham Lincoln!"

"That's right Susie, you can go home. Who said, 'I Have a Dream'?"

Again, Johnny raises his hand first but the teacher allows Mary to answer first, "Martin Luther King!"

"That's right Mary, you can go home early."

The teacher asks another question, "Who said, 'Ask not what your country can do for you'?"

Before Johnny even has a chance to raise his hand, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy"."

"That's right Nancy, you may also leave." The teacher said.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says in frustration, "I wish these dumb bitches would keep their goddamn mouths shut!"

The teacher hears this and turns around. She is livid: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny: "Harvey Weinstein. See ya tomorrow!"

Read More

A flight attendant sees a suspicious couple on board...

She decides to report it to the pilot immediately.

"Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking! The female passenger looks pretty frightened and the man she is with looks dangerous!"

The pilot responds, "Patricia, I've told you before. This is Air Force One..."

Read More

Justice is a dish best served cold because...

...if it were served warm, it would be justwater.

Read More

A man walks into a pet shop and says to the owner...

"Okay, I'm looking for a pet, but I'm not sure what I want. But I know I want something different."

The pet shop owner informs him that he has a talking centipede.

"Really?" says the man "I need it. How much?" The owner informs him that the talking centipede is only $50 dollars. Happy with the unusual offering the man pays the money, the pet shop owner puts the centipede in a matchbox and the man takes his new pet home.

After getting home, he sets the match box with the centipede in it on his kitchen table, opens it and says, "Hello Mr. Centipede, fancy going to the bar for a few drinks?"

The centipede says nothing. Figuring it must be tired from the journey he decides to leave it for an hour and try again later.

An hour later he opens the match box again and says, "Hello Mr. Centipede, fancy going to the bar for a few drinks?"

Again, the centipede says nothing. Starting to get suspicious, the man decides he will give it one more hour and if the centipede doesn't talk he will take it back to the pet shop for a refund.

An hour later the man opens the match box and says, "Hello Mr. Centipede, fancy going to the bar for a few drinks?"

The centipede says, "I heard you the first time you asshole! I'm still putting my fucking shoes on!"

Read More

A blonde is walking beside a railway track.

A brunette passes her on the tracks skipping and singing "21, 21, 21..." The blonde eagerly asks "May I join you?" The brunette nods, and says, "You may, but only if you can REALLY concentrate." "I can do that!" exclaims the blonde happily. And so, they both proceed to skip along the middle of the track, singing "21, 21, 21..." After some time, the brunette hears the whistle of a coming train behind them. So, she steps off the track. However, the blonde is concentrating so deeply on the singing and skipping, she is oblivious to fhe danger behind her. She is struck by the train, and is killed instantly. Once the train has passed, the brunette steps back onto the track. She resumes skipping down the track, and begins to sing again. "22, 22, 22..."

Read More