An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body in combination with smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving such a lecture at this time of night?"

The man replies, "That would be my wife."

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My wife has left me because I'm a gambler.

How can I win her back?

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All of my friends told me that 'icy' is the easiest word to spell. And after looking at it...

I see why.

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My girlfriend's dog died, so to cheer her up I got her an identical one.

She was livid, "what am I going to do with two dead dogs?"

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My Mum used to feed my brother and I by saying 'Here comes the train', and we always ate the food straight away.

Otherwise she wouldn't untie us from the tracks.

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Why are christians not able to do trigonometry?

Because Jesus took away their sin.

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If Wonder Woman and Spiderman went into business together

would they call it Amazon Web Services?

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