But the needle kept getting stuck
Thứ Sáu, 3 tháng 8, 2018
Donald Trump is standing in the gallows...
The executioner is fitting the rope around his neck.
Below the platform are all the news networks. They are all clamoring for a final statement before the man is hung for his crimes.
Trump simply smiles and shakes his head.
Finally, one question is heard above the roar of the crowd?
"Aren't you worried about dying?" A voice asks.
Trump shrugs his shoulders as he smiles again and shakes his head for the last time.
He replies: "Fake noose."
A Pirate walks into a bar
(The funniest joke my friend told me, hope it hasn't been posted here before)
A Pirate enters a bar and goes to the bartender to ask for a drink.
The bartender eyes the pirate and asks him how he ended up looking like that.
"Ah you must mean the peg-leg, me lad. 'Tis a fine tale where I fought the dreaded kraken in the Bermuda. It started dragging me under so I had to cut off me own leg with me cutlass."
The bartender shook his head, "No actually, I was wondering about-"
"Oh ho, so me eyepatch has caught your interest, has it? That was from a harrowing adventure where me and me crew took on the dreaded Blackbeard and made him scurry away with his tail between his legs. During that duel he took me eye out before running away."
The bartender shook his head again, "Those are some really interesting stories but what's got my attention the most is the steering wheel attached to your crotch."
The Pirate gets visibly upset and says to the bartender, "Arrr, why is that the only thing people ever ask me about any more, It's driving me nuts!"
I had a flat tire the other day...
I had a flat tire on the I-95 yesterday; so, I pulled over, got out of the car and opened my trunk.
I took out my cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic. They look so lifelike you wouldn't believe it! Just as I had hoped, cars started slowing down looking at the men which made it much safer for me to work on the side of the road. People honked and waved, and it wasn't long before a police car pulled up behind me.
He wanted to know what the heck I was doing, so I calmly explained that I was changing my flat. He told me he could see that, but demanded to know what the heck the naked cardboard men were doing standing at the rear of my car. I couldn't believe he didn't know! So I told him .... "Well, I explained to the angry Policeman .... They're my Emergency Flashers!!!!"
I go to court in August.
A young woman in New York...
... was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier, crying. He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."
The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in Europe would give her life new meaning.
That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain.
"What are you doing here?" the captain asked.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and a trip to Europe, and he's screwing me."
"He certainly is," the captain said. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."
France Outlaws Lewd Catcalls To Women In Public Amid Attack Uproar
France Outlaws Lewd Catcalls To Women In Public Amid Attack Uproar
France voted to outlaw sexual harassment on the streets, leaving cat-callers and aggressively lecherous individuals facing potential on-the-spot fines of up to 750 euros as part of tougher legislation to fight sexual violence.
August 2, 2018 at 08:42PM
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