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Thứ Bảy, 4 tháng 8, 2018

The Girlfriend Joke

So I recently moved into a new neighborhood and it's a pretty nice area. After a couple of weeks, a moving truck pulls up and I realize there's a new girl living in the house next to me. So I walk out and I notice that she's all by herself.

Being the good neighbor I am, I go up and ask, "Hey, I see you don't have any help. Do you need any help with moving your boxes inside?"

And keep this in mind, I'm like a 6/10 on good day while this girl is an easy 9/10. Like this girl can easily be a supermodel.

So I ask if she needs any help and she looks me dead in the eye with the nastiest grimace on her face and says, "Uh... No thanks, I'm good."

"Well ok. No problem. If you need anything, just give a little knock on the door and I'll come out."

So a couple days go by after that failed attempt and this girl's dumb, small chihuahua jumps over the fence and gets into my yard. So I'm thinking, "Ok cranky girl. Round 2, let's go, we got this."

So I take the dumb dog and I bring it over to her house and give the door a knock. She opens the door and with the biggest smile says, "OH MY GOD thank you SO MUCH! I don't know what I would do without him. He's like family to me. I'm so sorry that I was so mean to you the other day. I was having a bad day and took it out on you and I'm so sorry. Please let me make it up to you and take you out to dinner."

So I humbly accept and we end up going out to dinner that night. Now, we don't have much in common. Like, I'm into video games and anime and she's into all this white girl stuff like makeup, Starbucks, and all that other shit. But, we have a good time. And I mean, this girl is WAY out of my league so who am I to complain? So then we hang out more frequently, I visit her and she visits me and now I'm in a good relationship with this extremely hot chick.

A couple weeks go by, we continue this, and I see a moving truck come in from the other direction. I go out to greet the new neighbor and I see a cute girl come out of the moving truck. Now this girl is cute. She isn't supermodel hot, but she's cute. I would say she's like a 7/10. So I go up to her and say, "Hey, I see you don't have any help with moving your stuff in. Is it ok if I help?" Luckily, she says, "Yeah, sure. Um, take this box and put it in the living room. It's the first room to the right, you can't miss it."

So I go to pick up the box and I realize that it's labeled "Video Games." The box wasn't taped very well, so I peek into the box and I'm seeing some serious video games. I'm seeing Final Fantasy 7-9 black label, a mint copy of Illusion of Gaia. Like, what girl even knows what that game is!? So I ask, "Hey, is this a box of your boyfriend's stuff?" and she responds with, "No, I don't have a boyfriend. That stuff's mine so make sure not to drop it." So now I know this girl is actually the coolest girl ever.

So I help the girl move her stuff in and we hang out afterwards. We go out to lunch and we hit it off. We ended up just talking about video games the whole time and it was amazing. Now I have a friend to talk nerd shit with and don't forget, she's a cute as hell 7/10. And I also have this 9/10 girlfriend with me. And again, I'm just a 6/10 so right now, I'm living the dream.

So a couple weeks go by and my girlfriend comes up to me and says, "Hey, so this may sound weird, but I don't want you to hang out with that girl anymore. You're spending a lot of time with her and I'm honestly a little jealous and I want you to spend more time with me."

I tell her, "Well listen, why don't you try to talk to her. If you like me, then you'll like her and then we can all hang out and it'll be great." She says, "Well...alright. I guess I'll give it a shot. I'll try to talk to her tomorrow

So next day, my girlfriend comes up to me and says, "Uh, yeah you can't see that girl ever again."

"Wait, what? Why not? What happened?"

"Yeah she told me that you're hers now and if I ever go near you again, she is going to kill me."

"I think you're overreacting a little bit. She doesn't seem like that type of person"

"She told me, and I quote, that she is going to fucking murder me."

"I can't imagine that it's that serious. I'll try to straighten this out and go talk to her tomorrow."

I go up to 7/10's house the next day and give it a little knock on the door but nobody answers. I try the doorbell, nothing. Give her a call, text her, no answer. So then I call my girlfriend, try to tell her that she wasn't there and I'll try again tomorrow. But again, no answer. So I go over to her house, knock on the door and still no answer. Next day knock* knock* no answer and I don't know what's going on.

So day after day goes by and eventually, week after week and I'm getting nothing. I put in the missing persons but nothing turns up. I call their family and friends and they know nothing. And after weeks of all this, I just give up.

Then I turn the news on one day, and I see the 7/10 girl getting carried away in handcuffs. And, she's covered in blood from head to toe. She's screaming and yelling at the camera saying, "She's dead, you're next." A couple days go by and the autopsy reports are coming in, and its all over the internet. Apparently, not only did she kill my gorgeous 9/10 girlfriend, but parts of her were missing. Chunks of her arms and legs were gone and it seems that the 7/10 girl ate parts of my girlfriend. Bit and chewed into her.

Now I'm thinking to myself that I had the two most amazing girls in my life. And I'm here, 6/10, just worried out of my mind because I can't get the image out of my head of her screaming into the cameras saying, "She's dead, you're next. She's dead you're next." And I'm going crazy, I'm screaming and writing it in blood on the walls, "She's dead, you're next. She's dead you're next." AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT DO DO ANYMORE.

And it raises the question: Why is 6 afraid of 7?

World's Chillest Cameraman One-Hands A Foul Ball


World's Chillest Cameraman One-Hands A Foul Ball
One of the perks of being a cameraman is that when you do something awesome, you know exactly where to look to celebrate.

August 3, 2018 at 09:18PM
via Digg https://ift.tt/2LNj0Cx

To the guy who hacked my Reddit account

I will find you, and I will kill you

Edit: no you won't

Thứ Sáu, 3 tháng 8, 2018

Them: "don't you think you'll feel embarrassed by all your suicide jokes when you get older

Me "when I what"

I can’t see an end, I have no control and I don’t think there’s any escape – I don’t even have a home anymore...

I think it's time for a new keyboard.

An Alabama girl sees her mother showering

An Alabama girl sees her mother showering. She sees her tits and asks: "Mom, what is that on your chest?"

The mother says: "Nothing important sweetie, you'll get them too when you are older!"

Later in the day, she sees her father showering. She sees her dad's dick and asks: "What's that between your legs, dad?"

The father says: "I can't tell you right now!"

The girl asks: "Will I get it when I'm older?"

The father replies: "You can get it now if you stay quiet."

Farmer Bill goes into a bar and is greeted by the bartender.

Joe: "Hey bill, what’s up? You look awful"

Bill: "Oh it's really bad. I don't wanna talk about it."

Joe: "Come on. You know you can tell me anything."

Bill: "No, there are things you just CAN'T explain."

Bill talks a little more to Joe and after two beer he finally tells his story.

Bill: "You know my cow Bertha. She’s always so stubborn."

Joe: "Oh yes, that cow is a bitch."

Bill: "So this morning I go into her stable to milk her. Just when I sit down on my milking stool she kicks it away and I fall on the floor."

Joe: "Okay, that happens"

Bill: "I reach on the board above me, take a calving rope and tie her leg up. But just as I want to sit down again she kicks my milking stool with her other leg. This time I almost break my neck."

Joe: "So that’s why you are upset. Does it hurt that much?"

Bill: "No, let's talk about something else. There are things you just CAN'T explain."

A beer later Joe convinces Bill to continue with his story.

Bill: "Okay, so Bertha kicked the milking stool a second time. I get up, reach on the board above me, take a calving rope and tie her second leg up."

Joe: "So her back is basically hovering?"

Bill, with tears in his eyes: "Yes! You know what? There are things you just..."

Joe: "...CAN'T explain. I understand. Please try anyway."

Bill: "So, Bertha is hovering in front of me. And just as I reach for the milking stool she slaps me in the face with her tail."

Joe: "That sounds just like Bertha. But we both know you love her anyway."

Bill, with a death glare: "I do NOT love her! Anyways, I get up, reach on the board above me, no calving rope left. I take my belt, tie her tail up, my pants drop, my wife comes in ... there are things you just CAN'T explain."