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Thứ Tư, 8 tháng 8, 2018

President Donald Trump and his driver were cruising along a country road

President Donald Trump and his driver were cruising along a country road one night when all of a sudden they hit a pig, killing it instantly.

Trump told his driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. About one hour later Trump sees his driver staggering back to the car with a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and his clothes all ripped and torn.

"What happened to you?" asked Trump

"Well, the Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar and his 19-year-old daughter made mad passionate love to me."

"My God, what did you tell them?" asks Trump.

The driver replies, "I'm president Donald Trump's driver, and I just killed the pig."

A son goes up to his father,

And just turning 16, asks him "Dad, can I take the car? I'd really like to take this girl on a date." His father looks at him, and says "Son, if you want to take my car, there are three things I'm going to need from you. First is that you need to start helping your mother around the house. Not just what's expected, but above and beyond. Second, start reading the Bible. I see the crap you continuously funnel into your brain, and you need to start reading something beneficial to yourself. Third, get a haircut. I'm tired of having a son that thinks he's a rock star and that it's cool to have long hair." "Yes sir." Is all that the son says, and moves along.

Over the course of the next week, the son starts doing what his father has asked of him, and feels as though he's done a good job. So he once again goes up to his dad to ask about the car.

"Dad, do you have a second to talk about me taking the car out this weekend? I really want to take this girl out on a date." He asks. His father replied "Son, your mom told me that there's been some obvious changes with the way you help out around the house. Like how the other day, you cleaned out the garage without being asked. Good job on that. Also, the other night as I walked down the hallway, I noticed your lamp was on, so I peeked in and it looked to me as if you were reading the Bible."

The son says, "Yes sir, I was.... So about the car?"

His father looks at him, then back down at the morning paper and simply replies "Haircut."

The son, being too attached to his long locks, wracked his brain for a moment, then says "Well Dad, I've been thinking, after reading the Bible a bit, I've noticed that the apostles, and even Jesus himself had long hair."

And without looking up, the father says, "Well yes son, that is true, but they also had to walk their asses everywhere."

As an Aussie, Americans are always asking me where in Australia there *isn’t* something trying to kill you...

“School” is my answer

Do you know the story of the boy named Bonnie?

There once was a boy named Bonnie who was constantly harassed for his goofy name. He thought he was doomed to never find love because of it, but one day, he met a beautiful girl who didn't care, and they fell in love, got married, and had a child, a beautiful baby girl. But Bonnie was worried. "What if I give her a terrible name?" So he let his wife pick the name, and she named the girl Love. Unfortunately, Love was constantly ridiculed for her name, just like Bonnie had been, until she couldn't take it anymore. One day, at 16, after years of humiliation, Love came home with a loaded revolver. Bonnie was the only one home because his wife had gone out for groceries. Love kicked open the front door, revolver raised, and yelled, "Who named me? WHO NAMED ME?" Bonnie loved his wife very much and would do anything to protect her, so he took the blame. "It was me. I named you." BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! Love blasted 3 bullets into Bonnie's chest and then ran off. As Bonnie lay there, blood seeping into the carpet, his wife came home. Shocked, she dropped the groceries and held Bonnie as he died. "What happened, Bonnie, oh my god!?" And with his last remaining breath he whispered into her ear: "Shot through the heart, and you're to blame. Darling, you gave Love a bad name."

I lost two things today. My virginity...

...and my job at the morgue.

What's the difference between a cat and a comma?

One has claws at the end of its paws, the other has a pause at the end of its clause.

What do you call 2000 mockingbirds?

2 kilomockingbirds