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Chủ Nhật, 19 tháng 8, 2018

An engineer dies and goes to hell...

He is welcomed by his orientation demon, who shows him around and explains how things work. The engineer notices that a lot of things aren't working and are in dire need of fixing. The air conditioning is busted, the network is overloaded, there's power shortages everywhere, everything is overheating. He mentions this to the little demon and suggests he could try to fix things. He also had a few ideas about redesigning the place to make it more efficient. The demon takes him to Lucifer, and Lucifer is enthusiastic about the whole idea and gives his permission.

A few months later God decides to visit Hell for an inspection. He is greeted by the new renovated Hell and he's absolutely speechless! The corridors are now well lit and properly ventilated. The air conditioning is working and the thermostat is fixed. The elevators are working again. There's no more loud noises of grinding and screeching coming from all the machinery. The lava spill has been contained. All the horrible fumes are now gone and the denizens of Hell use electric cars to travel. There's even a monorail being constructed. The electrical grid has gone geothermal. Cell coverage was full and there was even wifi. Not only that, but several clubs were under construction and there was already a kick-ass pool with attached jacuzzis. Some bulldozers were building a beach and a tropical-themed resort nearby. The condemned souls were enjoying their time playing sports in new gyms, walking in parks, racing with muscle cars, playing video games and doing all sorts of other activities.

God furiously works to Lucifer's office, kicks the door open and walks in

"What the hell is going on here Luci?"

"Well we got an engineer and he fixed the place up for us"

"You can't get engineers. Our contract clearly stipulates that all engineers belong with me in Heaven."

"Well too bad, I'm not giving him over"

"I'll take you to court you ungrateful bastard!"

"Ha, good luck finding a good lawyer up in your Heaven!"

When Batman is investigating a crime, the most likely explanation is that the Joker did it.

That's Arkham's Razor.

Edit: Bloody hell, gold at 3 upvotes. Thanks Batman!

I had an idea for a movie plot.

A retired CIA agent searches for his kidnapped daughter in Paris, but it turns out that idea was taken. I had another idea for one where the same agent is kidnapped with his wife in Istanbul, but it turns out that one was taken too.

I remember when I worked at the United Nations

And one day one of the secretaries asked me to get Kofi Annan a gram of cocaine.

Of course, I called him immediately.

"Kofi" I said, "right now the only one I can think of is 'oceanic'"

Thứ Bảy, 18 tháng 8, 2018

I once thought I had a Japanese friend.

But it was just my imagine Asian.

A 60 years old billionaire marries a hot 25 year old girl..

After honeymoon they throw a party celebrating their marriage...

After a few drinks, billionaire's friends want to know the secret of how he landed 25 yo hottie..

"It's simple" billionaire boasts... "I faked my age"

"Yes, but even for a 40/45 years old guy...she is sensational, what age btw did you tell you are?" A friend asks.

With a smile on his lips billionaire responds "85 years old"

After my joke last week about the Holy Qur'an...

...I had tons of private messages from Muslims on this site. As an apology to them I would like to say this:

"Islam is a religion based on peace, love and respect, and this is the central message of the Qur'an. As such I offer a full apology for making the claim that it encourages suicide bombing and violence."

OK, there - I said it. Now can you please stop sending me death threats?