Whats 12 inches long and hangs in front of an asshole?

My bosses tie

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I asked a homeless girl if I could take her home.

She smiled and said “yes!” But seemed very surprised when I took her cardboard box and walked away.

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A man tried to sell me a coffin today...

I told him, that's the last thing I need.

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Two monkeys, one is lucky and the other is not...

Everyday they go to a banana farm and the lucky one climbs a tree and throws the bananas to the other one. And everyday, the farm owner gathers the farmers and catch the unlucky monkey and beat him.

One day, the unlucky monkey is fed up with the beating and tells the lucky monkey to wait while he climbs the tree and throw the bananas. This time, the farmers catch the lucky monkey.

The farm owner says:

Leave him, we have already beaten him many times. Get me that motherfucker on the tree this time.

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I accidentally installed a program that keeps showing me a picture of a Chinese politician.

I think it's maoware.

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Oh, sure. My friend donates a kidney to the City Hospital, and he's treated like some hero.

I donate five kidneys and I get arrested.

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"Dad. Are we pyromaniacs?"

"Yes, we arson."

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