Two guys from Michigan die and wake up in hell.

Two guys from Michigan die and wake up in hell. The next day, the devil stops to check on them and sees them dressed in parkas, mittens and bomber hats, warming themselves around the fire. The devil asks them, "What are you doing? Isn't it hot enough for you?"

The two guys reply, "Well, you know, we're from Michigan, the land of ice and snow and cold. We're just happy for a chance to warm up a bit, you know."

The devil decides that these two aren't miserable enough and turns up the heat. The next morning, he stops by again and there they are, still dressed in their parkas, mittens and hats. The devil asks them again, "It's awfully hot down here, can't you guys feel that?"

Again, the guys reply, "Well, like we told you yesterday, we're from Michigan, the land of ice and snow and cold. We're just happy to warm up a little bit, you know."

The devil gets a little steamed up and he decides to fix the two guys. He cranks the heat up as high as it will go. The people are wailing and screaming everywhere. He stops by the room with the two guys from Michigan and finds them in light jackets and hats, grilling sausage and drinking beer. The devil is astonished. "Everyone down here is in abject misery, and you seem to be enjoying yourselves."

The two Michiganders reply, "Well, ya know, we don't get too much warm weather up there in Michigan, we've just got to have a cookout when the weather is this nice."

The devil is absolutely furious, he can hardly see straight. Finally, he comes up with an answer. These two love the heat because they have been cold all their lives. He decides to turn all the heat in hell off.

The next morning, the temperature is below zero, icicles are hanging everywhere, the people are shivering so bad, they are unable to wail, moan or gnash their teeth. The devil smiles and heads for the room with the 2 Michiganders. He finds them back in their parkas, mittens and hats. They are jumping up and down and cheering. The devil was dumbfounded. "I don't understand. When I turn the heat up, you're happy. Now it's freezing cold, and you're happy. What is wrong with you two?"

The Michiganders look at the devil in surprise. "Well, don't ya know - if hell froze over, that must mean. The Lions won the Super Bowl!"

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A man is lying on a nudist beach wearing only a hat covering his crotch

When all of a sudden a woman passes by who remarks, "If you were even the tiniest bit of a gentleman, you would lift and tip your hat to a lady." He replies, "If you were even the tiniest bit of a sexy woman, the hat would lift by itself."

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My friend keeps saying "cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water"

I know he means well...

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A college professor started to notice that one of his students, Dave, started gaining lots of female attention.

So, one day he asks Dave about his secret. Dave replies: "Well, before sex I simply whip out my willy and smack it against the bedside table, like a hammer. It numbs it up and makes me last longer".

Later that day, the professor gets home to his wife and finds her in the shower - a welcome opportunity for sex. So, he quickly undresses and starts banging his dick against the dresser, just before hearing his wife calling from the shower:

"Dave, is that you?".

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I don't always tell dad jokes

But when I do, he laughs

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"I'd like this book on revenge please"

Cashier: "You'll pay for that."

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John dies and passes on to the afterlife...

He comes to, looks around and finds himself in what looks like the dirtiest alley of the world's worst urban center. As he's trying to come to terms with what's happening he hears a voice say, "Hey there old friend, fancy meeting you here."

John looks up and sees his old friend Jack! "Jack, how is this possible? I though you died in a car wreck almost five years ago..."

Jack replies, "I did, and it looks like you died too. Come on, let's get you some food and I'll explain everything." Jack leads John to what looks like a soup kitchen, inside is full of people waiting patiently in two lines. In one line they are grabbing bowls of soup and in the other they are taking cups of fruit punch.

The pair take some soup and fruit punch and Jack explains to John that this is the afterlife. He tells John that the afterlife is divided into multiple circles and that the way to move up is to save enough money. Currently they're in the lowest circle. It costs ten thousand dollars for a ticket to the next one. Jack then goes on to tell how he was actually on his way to buy his ticket as he found John.

"Now John... It'll be tempting to spend some money making your time here more comfortable, but I promise that if you do that, you'll never make it out of here."

With that final warning Jack bids John farewell with a promise to see each other on the other side.

Soon after John lands a job picking trash out of alleys and after five years of hard toil saves up ten thousand dollars. He purchases his ticket and heads through the gate to the next circle.

On the other side he is greeted by white picket fence and cookie cutter ranch houses, the trappings of middle class suburbia.

A familiar voice flags him down, "John old friend! It's so good to see you!" Sure enough it's Jack. The two decide to catch up over lunch. They head to what looks like a back yard barbecue, there are once again two lines of people. One for hotdogs, hamburgers and the like and the other for fruit punch.

The two take their food and sit beneath a tree, catching up. "I'm so glad you made it John, but don't get complacent now. It's a hundred thousand dollars for the next circle... As a matter of fact I'm on my way there now. Good luck, and don't forget my warning from last time."

The two part and soon after John gets a job driving a garbage truck. It's a long time but eventually after ten years he saves up enough.

John buys his ticket and heads through the gate. Before him lies an exquisite gated community. Mansions dot the landscape, complete with tennis courts, swimming pools and any other commodity you could imagine.

Much like last time a familiar voice hails him.

"John! I was worried you wouldn't ever make it! Let's grab some food and catch up."

The two head over to an extravagant banquet hall. As before there are two lines, one for all the most lavish foods John's ever seen: caviar, roast pheasant, braised swan to name a few. The other line is quite simply fruit punch.

They take their food and sit at one of the many tables. Jack informs John that he could stay here if he wished, bit if he could save up one million dollars he would gain entry to the final circle, the closest thing to his notion of heaven in this afterlife.

Once again, Jack bids John farewell, as he's already got his ticket.

After the meal and much deliberation John decides to follow in his friend's footsteps.

John gets a job as a supervisor for regional waste management and after twenty more long years of work saves up one million dollars.

He buys his ticket and steps through a gleaming golden gate. On the other side people are walking down a radiant street in naught but pure white robes, whose look and feel reminded John of clouds.

Looking down John notices he's wearing the same, and that all of his aches, worries, and weariness has vanished.

Of course, waiting for him is his oldest friend Jack.

"Welcome, my dear friend. Let's grab a bite and catch up, one last time."

They head to a gilded ampitheater where the most heavenly ambrosia is being served. The smell reminded John of all his favorite foods, the scent of loves past and the whiff of treasured memories.

John pauses however, frowning. He turns to Jack and asks, "Where's the punchline?"

Jack replies, "There isn't one."

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