Youd almost think it was built on top of thousands of ancient indian burial grounds.
Chủ Nhật, 2 tháng 9, 2018
A husband and wife love to golf together
but were not satisfied with their game. So they decide to take private lessons.
The husband has his lesson first.
After the pro sees him swing, he says, "No, no, no," you're gripping the club way too hard!".
"Well, what should I do?" asks the man.
"Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your wife's breast". The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and WOW! He hits the ball 250 yds. straight up the fairway.
The man goes back to his wife with the good news, and the wife can't wait for her lesson.The next day the wife goes for her lesson.
The pro watches her swing and says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard".
"What can I do?" asks the wife "Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's penis". The wife listens carefully to the pro's advice, takes a swing, and THUMP. The ball goes straight down the fairway . . . about 15 ft.
"That was great,"the pro says. "Now, take the club out of your mouth and swing it like you are supposed to!".
Inmate escapes prison
Johnny had been in prison for only a year into his life long sentence with no hope for parole that he had decided that he would not be dying in prison. Using outside connections and some small favors he was able to get a small spoon and a local map of the surrounding area to the prison. After ten years of carefully digging his tunnel without getting caught, he had finally dug all the way to just under a warehouse a few blocks away from the prison. Breaking through the surface he and being blinded by sunlight. After his eyes had adjusted he stuck his head out of the hole to survey the area. He noticed that his calculations were off and he had dug all the way through a sandbox in a playground next to a little girl who was playing in it. Without a care in the world he proceeded to jump out of the hole and hoisting the little girl up into the air he shouted "I'm free, I'm free, I'm free!!!" After setting the girl on the ground she told him "that's nothing I'm four."
A horse named Boris.
Once upon a time, there was a horse named Boris.
Boris used to be a famous race horse. He'd won countless trophies, and was famous across the world.
Then, suddenly, at the peak of his career, Boris was involved in a horrible accident. Between races his private jet was hijacked and crashed, and only Boris survived. However, Boris was devastated. His friends, his family, and his colleagues had all been lost on one fell swoop.
"I'll never race again!" he vowed.
So Boris quit his job, and found an old farmer who agreed to take him in. Old Farmer John was his name, and he loved Boris like a son.
However, the incident in Boris' past had led him to a life of recluse. He was fearful that everything would go wrong again, and so he spent every day in the barn.
And Old Farmer John took pity on Boris, and so he decided something.
Every week, Old Farmer John would go onto the town to sell his produce. And every week, he would set aside a small amount of money for Boris.
And every week, he would buy Boris a present, in the hope that one day, he'd be reminded of the wonderful life outside the barn, and he'd be happy again.
One thing he bought Boris was a CD player.
Another was a brand new computer..
But the best thing he ever gave to Boris was this:
Ten gallons of beer.
Let me explain.
On his many trips to town, Old Farmer John would pass a pub. It was called The Fine Race Horse, and among those who drank there, it was famed for having the best beer... In the world.
But it was only a small pub, and as such it wasn't visited by very many people, and it one day went out of business.
And when Old Farmer John heard this, he immediately got up and went into town, and spoke to the old owner. And John agreed to buy all his remaining beer.
And so, John came back from town one day, and gave Boris the beer. He'd never seen Boris so happy. It made his heart rejoice.
And for months, Boris would talk about this beer, and how it was the best gift he'd ever been given.
But one day, Old Farmer John came home with a brand new guitar. And Boris remembered the CD player he'd been given, and he remembered his favourite songs.
And Boris picked up the guitar, and he began to play a song.
And he was good.
And after hearing his song, John went over to Boris and said
"that was the best thing I've ever heard. You should go out into town and see the record company about starting a band!"
At first, Boris was hesitant. But eventually, he decided that Old Farmer John was right. He'd been his barn for so long. But now it was time for him to rise to fame again!
So he packed a few things, and grabbed his guitar and got on the next bus into town.
And on the way, he met a pig.
The pig's name was David, and David could play the drums.
And just like Boris, David the pig was on his way into town trying to make his name as a musician.
So Boris said
"hey, why don't we team up and make a band, after all, we're both animals with a talent. We could be the next big thing!"
And David agreed, and the two of them continued on into town.
At the next stop, a Hen got onto the bus. And her name was Sophie, and Sophie liked to sing.
She knew all the words to all the songs in the world.
And so, Boris the Horse and David the Pig went over to Sophie the Hen and said
"hey, why don't we team up and make a band, after all, we're all animals with a talent. We could be the next big thing!"
And Sophie agreed, and the three of them went to the record store, and started their band.
And they were an instant hit. They became a worldwide phenomenon almost overnight. They scored TV deals and sponsorships, and once again Boris had reached the life of fame.
They toured with all sorts of other famous bands, appearing alongside the likes of The Rolling Stones and Electric Light Orchestra.
And then, one day, they got the biggest deal of their lives.
They got invited to go on a world tour. They would play their music in every country on earth. By the time they were done, the whole world would know their name.
And so, of they went, from one country to the next, playing their music every step of the way.
They played in every city and in every town. And the Horse, the Hen and the Pig became a household name.
And when they got back home, they knew, they had reached the peak of their careers.
And they kept touring, playing in many countries across the globe.
But one day, everything changed.
One day, before they were set to fly out for their next performance, Boris received a phone call from the hospital in his home town.
And he found out that Old Farmer John had passed away.
So he decided to head back home so could Bury the man he treated like a father. So he said to Sophie and David
"you go on ahead, I'll be with you in a day or two."
So the pig and the hen went of in their private jet, and Boris the Horse went home to Bury Old Farmer John.
But when he got home, he was in for a shock.
He received a call from his agent, and discovered that the private jet that David and Sophie were on had exploded in a freak accident, and there were no survivors.
And Boris was struck with grief.
For the second time in his life, he had lost everyone he loved.
And he became depressed, and stumbled into his old barn, and decided to take his own life.
But then he saw something that stopped him.
Because in the old barn, was the huge tank that once contained the 10 gallons of beer.
And so, Boris decided that instead of suicide, he would have a few drinks, and would go on and turn his life around.
So Boris goes into town, and sees the pub, The Fine Race Horse, and underneath the sign on the door, he sees another sign, saying "grand re-opening."
And Boris knows that this is where he will have his beers, and forget all his sorrows, and turn his life around.
And so Boris the Horse enters the bar. And the bartender takes a look at him, and he asks
"why the long face?"
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