On my way to work I saw an advert in a shop window that said: “Television for sale, $1, volume stuck on full.” - I thought to myself, ‘I can’t turn that down.'
Thứ Ba, 25 tháng 9, 2018
A 70 year old, 80 year old and 90 year old men in a nursing home were talking.
“Being 70 is the worst!” The 70 year old exclaims. “Every morning at 7, I wake up to pee, but nothing comes out!”“Oh, that’s nothing!” The 80 year old says. “Each morning at 8, I wake up to poop, and I sit on the toilet for what seems like hours, but nothing comes out!”“Oh, that’s nothing” The 90 year old says. “I have it the worst!”“Can you pee?” The first man asks.“Certainly! Every morning at 7, I pee like a champion.”“Can you poop?” The second man asks.“Yes I can! Each morning at 8, I have a regular bowel movement.”“Then I don’t understand what the problem is!” The first man says.“Well, I wake up at 9!”
Three women had a very late night drinking Budweiser
Three women had a very late night drinking Budweiser. They left in the early morning hours and went home separately. They met the next day for an early pint, and compared notes about who was drunker the night before.
The first gal claims that she was the drunkest, saying, "I drove straight home, walked into the house and as soon as I got through the door, I blew chunks!!"
To which the second gal replied, "You think that was drunk? I got in my car, drove out of the parking lot, and wrapped my car around the first tree I saw. I don't even have insurance!"
And the third proclaimed, "I was by far the most drunk. I got home, got in a big fight with my husband, knocked a candle over and burned the whole house down!
They all looked at each other for a moment.
Then the first gal says, "Ladies, I don't think you understand. Chunks is my dog"
A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a deep coma. Six months later, she awakes and asks the doctor about her baby...
Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl, they are both fine. Luckily, your brother named them for you.
Woman: Oh, no. Not my brother, he is an idiot! What did he name the girl?
Doctor: Denise
Woman: Not exactly my choice, but that isn't so bad. What did he name the boy?
Doctor: Denephew.
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