A man in an interrogation room says “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present.”

Cop: You are the lawyer.

Lawyer: Exactly, so where’s my present?

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The US Military had too many commanding officers so it offered a significant lump sum to those who retired...

They would measure whoever retired from one point on their body to another and pay $5,000 per inch. The first general asked to be measured from the top of his head to his tip toes and was paid $360,000. The second general was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched arms to his tip toes and was rewarded $520,000 for his creativity. The last general asked to be measured from his left testicle to his right testicle. "Are you sure about that?" the other two asked incredulously. "Yea. Last I remember my right one is still in 'Nam."

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I just finished designing a website for an orphanage

There isn't a home page

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I don’t get the purpose of an air filter

It just sits there and collects dust.

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My uncle was a shit ventriloquist

He kept putting his fist up my ass and told me not to say anything

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"So is that a gun in your trousers or you are just happy to see me ?"

"Both , now get in the van ."

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Why can’t you email a photo to a Jedi?

Because attachments are forbidden

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