In the middle of the battle, I decided to use a knife to preserve my ammo.

All the other paintball players started freaking out though.

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My friend said to me, “Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?” I said, “Go on, then.” He shouted, “NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”

I said, “That’s Superman.”

He said, “Thanks man, I’ve been practicing a lot.”

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If you're questioning your sexuality...

You probably aren't thinking straight.

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Two good friends go golfing

Two good friends go golfing and they come up on two women who are moving like molasses. One guy says that he'll go up and ask if they can play through. When he's half way to the women, he freezes, turns around and comes back pretty pale. "Sorry man, I can't do it! One's my wife and the other my mistress!"

The other guy says he'll ask instead. Halfway to the women he suddenly stops turns around and comes back shaking his head. "Small world bro!"

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My wife always said that she wanted the body of an 18 year old...

... but she got really upset at me when I actually brought her one.

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Elon Musk Forced To Step Down As Chairman Of Tesla, Remains CEO

Elon Musk Forced To Step Down As Chairman Of Tesla, Remains CEO
Elon Musk has reached a settlement with the Securities and Exchange Commission on the charges filed earlier this week over his abandoned attempt to take Tesla private.

September 30, 2018 at 04:38AM
via Digg https://ift.tt/2NcAdBk

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Angry man comes to local bar with gun yelling:

-Which one of you fucked my wife??!! Some guy in the crowd says: - you should bring more bullets

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