Kidnapping Congress

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington DC. Nothing was moving.

Suddenly, a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they're asking for 100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire.

"We're going from car to car, collecting donations"

The driver asks "How much is everyone giving?"

The man replies, "Roughly a gallon"

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When I was a boy..

My momma would send me down to the corner store with 1$ and I'd come back with 5 potatoes, 2 loaves of bread, 3 bottles of milk, a hunk of cheese, a box of tea, and 6 eggs. You can't do that now...

Too many fuckin' security cameras.

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My brother always lies, today he finally admitted to being a pathological liar

Yeah, like I'm falling for that

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The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage

She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns.

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I look at therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one!"

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A nurse, a doctor, and an anti-vaxxer walk into a bar.

The nurse sits down at the bar and says, “I’ll have a Bloody Mary!”

The doctor sits next to her and says, “Give me a rum and coke!”

The anti-vaxxer does nothing. She collapsed and died from polio.

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So much has changed ever since my girlfriend told me we were having a baby!

For instance, my name, address, and telephone number!

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Just got back from the Transformers convention

and boy are my arms tires.

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