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Thứ Ba, 16 tháng 10, 2018

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door

"Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."

"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."

No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.

"Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."

Whats the cheapest meat?

Deer balls. They're under a buck.

(Gotta thank my late momma for that. She used to use it any time someone needed a laugh.)

4 Nuns died in a car accident...

They stand before St. Peters at the pearly gates.

St Peter asks the first nun: Have you ever touched a penis?

The fist nun admit it: Yes, once, but only with the tip of my finger!

St Peter then tell the nun: Ok, put your finger in that holy water, then I'll let you pass.

He then asks the second: Have you ever touched a penis?

The second one also adit: Yes, I masturbated a man once.

St Peter seemed slightly disgusted, but then tells her to put her entire hand in the holy water before he allows her to pass.

Sudenlly, the 4th nun goes crazy and yell: Please! Ask me that question before the nun in front of me!!!!!

St Peter, confused, asks why.

The 4th Nun replies: I really want to wash my mouth before she puts her ass in the holy water.

Thứ Hai, 15 tháng 10, 2018

A good percentage of my friends are Nazis.

That percentage is zero. That's a good percentage of Nazi friends to have.

It annoys me when Engineering students call themselves Engineers...

You don't hear medical students calling themselves doctors, or art students calling themselves unemployed.

Having sex is like playing bridge

If you dont have a good partner, you better have a good hand.

A cop pulled someone over

Cop: I pulled you over because you were driving on the wrong side of the road.

Driver: Sorry, I'm English.

Cop: (Loudly) it's the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?