I called my son a bloody disappointment and my girlfriend burst out into tears

Appartently, she's sensitive about her miscarriage

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An engineer and a mathematician.

An engineer wakes up and realizes his bed is on fire. He spots a sink and a bucket, so he goes to the sink, fills the bucket, and douses the fire before going back to sleep.

A mathematician wakes up to find his bed is on fire. He spots the sink and the bucket and then goes to sleep satisfied because he knows the solution exists.

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I had a difficult, emotional talk with my 9-year-old son this morning. There was a lot of crying and "nobody wants me on their team" and "I haven't got any friends".

Anyway, he was very nice about it and gave me some good tips for being more sociable.

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I was playing chess with my friend and he said, "Let's make things interesting."

So we stopped playing chess.

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If you pull a pin from a grenade, how do you put it back in?

Quick answers please.

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A football coach noticed that his star tackle, Bubba, had so many women hanging around that he couldn’t possibly handle all of them. So one day he asked, "Bubba, just what the hell is your secret?"

Bubba replies, "Well Coach, whenever I’m about to have sex, I always whip it out and bang it on the dresser like a hammer. This numbs it and I can screw 'em forever!"

The coach went home early one day, and went to the bedroom. He heard his wife in the shower. Seeing a window of opportunity, he took off his clothes and started banging his manhood on the dresser.

His wife stuck her head out of the shower and asked, "Is that you, Bubba?"

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The government denied tax exemption for my church that believes Jesus spoke with a lisp

It was a real slap in the faith

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