and log in to your online banking system. It feels like someone else is paying your bills.
Thứ Ba, 30 tháng 10, 2018
A duck walks into a bar...
One lunchtime a duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and an all day breakfast.
The bartender looks at him and says, "Fucking hell! You're a duck."
"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
"And you can talk!" exclaims the bartender.
"I see your ears are working, too," says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my fry up please?"
"Certainly, sorry about that" says the bartender as he pours the duck a pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing around this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer."
The flabbergasted bartender cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.
So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his fry up, bids the barman good day and leaves.
The same thing happens every lunchtime for two weeks.
Then one day the circus comes to town.
The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the bartender says to him:
"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats fry ups, reads the newspaper and everything!"
"Sounds marvelous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call."
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the bartender says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."
"I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck. "Where is it?"
"At the circus," says the bartender.
"The circus?" repeats the duck.
"That's right," replies the bartender.
"The fucking circus?" the duck asks again. "With the big TENT?"
"Yeah!" the bartender replies.
"With all the animals who live in CAGES, and performers who live in CARAVANS?" says the duck.
"Of course," the bartender replies.
"And the tent has CANVAS sides and a big canvas roof with a fucking big hole in the middle?" says the duck.
"That's right!" says the bartender.
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says: "Why the fuck would they want a plasterer?"
The Last Apocalypse Of Romaine Fielding
The Last Apocalypse Of Romaine Fielding
The story of an entertainer, a charlatan, a socialist visionary who made (and lost) America's first apocalyptic, dystopian, science-fiction feature film.
October 29, 2018 at 08:32PM
via Digg https://ift.tt/2Sr63xW
Husband and wife are sunbathing at a nudist beach... NSFW
When suddenly a wasp flies into the wife's vagina. She screams in terror, and frantically tells her husband what happened. He scoops her into his arms, throws her into the car and speeds to the hospital.
At the hospital the doctor tries a few different ways to remove the wasp with each one failing. The doctor has an idea, turns to the husband and says, "We will coat your penis with honey, you insert it into your wife. When you feel the wasp on your head, slowly remove it."
The husband gives it a try but with all the yelling, hectic drive and stress of the situation, he cannot get an erection. The doctor says, "With both your permissions, I can perform the procedure."
Fearing that the wasp can do damage in there, they both readily agree. The doctor pulls down his scrubs, smears himself with honey and gets instantly hard. He slowly inserts his honey covered penis a few inches into the wife's vagina. Withdraws an inch, slides back in a couple inches, withdraws a few inches. "There he is... no, lost him... I think I got him. No, no. Lost him again..."
Over the next 20 minutes, the doctor's comments has turned into grunts and pants. He now has sweat dripping from his face, while pumping the wife viorously. The wife is moaning wildly, and has locked her legs around the doctors hips. The husband is on the edge of his seat and screams, "Doctor, tell me what's happening!? What's going on in there!"
Doctor replies, "Change of plans. I'm going to drown that little fucker."
"Mom I have started dating our neighbour..."
"Anders?! But honey, he could be your father!" says mom.
Daughter replies "Mom, age is just a number!"
"I wasn't talking about his age!"
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