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Thứ Bảy, 3 tháng 11, 2018

As a guitarist, I play many gigs.

Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my guitar and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”

Apparently, I’m still lost…

Thứ Sáu, 2 tháng 11, 2018

I like my coffee the same way I like the slaves,...

free.

When I was a boy, my father told me never to ask a lady her age.

But the judge didn't see it that way.

John, the second least popular kid in our class tried to act over smart...

So, John decides to come up to me one day - out of the blue - and tries to up his status among the class by picking on the one kid that had no friends - again, me.

“So, I saw your father yesterday.”

This was curious. I knew my father was at work, so it was highly unlikely that John would have happened to cross paths.

“You did?” I asked. “Did you see him… at work?”

“Yes, I did,” John said, haughtily. “And I told him all the embarrassing things that you do in class.”

What an odd way to phrase that, I thought. “Uh huh,” I said. “That’s odd, because he didn’t mention anything last night when he got home.”

“Well, maybe that’s because he was so shocked by what I told him,” John said, doubling down.

“Tell me, John,” I said, slowly. “Did you just run into him at work, or were you a patient?”

John, obviously not expecting this question, answered. “I was a patient.”

I nodded. “That’s interesting, John.”

“Why?”

“Because my father is a gynecologist.”

What do you do with 365 used condoms?

Melt them down, make a tyre and call it a good year.

Did you hear about the atheist who couldn’t use exponents?

He didn’t believe in higher powers.

The Shredder

A young engineer was leaving the office at 5:45 p.m. when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary is not here. Can you make this thing work?"

"Certainly!" said the young engineer. He turned on the machine, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine, "I just need one more copy."