But when it's Stormy...
Thứ Hai, 12 tháng 11, 2018
3 hunters were walking in a forest when they came across some tracks.
One hunter claims they were bear tracks.
The second frowns, and says "No, those are certainly badger tracks."
The third just laughs and says, "Honestly! You two crack me up! Those are obviously baby elephant tracks!"
And then the train hit them.
Remembering Anthony Bourdain's Life Behind The Camera
Remembering Anthony Bourdain's Life Behind The Camera
The "Parts Unknown" host's close friend Eric Ripert and longtime executive producer Sandra Zweig remember the legendary food personality.
November 12, 2018 at 04:33AM
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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar
The first mathematician orders a beer
The second orders half a beer
"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies
"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2
"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender remarks. "That's ridiculous."
"Oh c'mon" says mathematician #1 "do you know how hard it is to collect an infinite number of us? Just play along"
"There are very strict laws on how I can serve drinks. I couldn't serve you half a beer even if I wanted to."
"But that's not a problem" mathematician #3 chimes in "at the end of the joke you serve us a whole number of beers. You see, when you take the sum of a continuously halving function-"
"I know how limits work" interjects the bartender
"Oh, alright then. I didn't want to assume a bartender would be familiar with such advanced mathematics"
"Are you kidding me?" The bartender replies, "you learn limits in like, 9th grade! What kind of mathematician thinks limits are advanced mathematics?"
"HE'S ON TO US" mathematician #1 screeches
Simultaneously, every mathematician opens their mouth and out pours a cloud of multicolored mosquitoes. Each mathematician is bellowing insects of a different shade.
The mosquitoes form into a singular, polychromatic swarm. "FOOLS" it booms in unison, "I WILL INFECT EVERY BEING ON THIS PATHETIC PLANET WITH MALARIA"
The bartender stands fearless against the technicolor hoard. "But wait" he inturrupts, thinking fast, "if you do that, politicians will use the catastrophe as an excuse to implement free healthcare. Think of how much that will hurt the taxpayers!"
The mosquitoes fall silent for a brief moment. "My God, you're right. We didn't think about the economy! Very well, we will not attack this dimension. FOR THE TAXPAYERS!" and with that, they vanish.
A nearby barfly stumbles over to the bartender. "How did you know that that would work?"
"It's simple really" the bartender says. "I saw that the vectors formed a gradient, and therefore must be conservative."
A man is told by his employer that he has to go see the company doctor in order to keep his insurance...
He reluctantly goes, and is amazed to find no examination table, just a wall full of computer equipment. The doctor walks in and says, "Just place your hand on the scanner here" and shows the man a screen. Bewildered, he places his hand on the screen and immediately the panel glows beneath his hand, followed shortly thereafter by a slip of paper that slides out of a slot. The doctor reads the paper and says, "Ah, nearly perfect health! You just have a bit of tennis elbow, nothing too serious!" The man laughs and says "That is ridiculous! You are a quack and your machine here is a fraud! I don't even play tennis!" The doctor looks puzzled and replies "Well, it has never been wrong before, but... I tell you what. We can provide a more thorough analysis using morning urine. Return tomorrow with this sample container filled with the first urine of the day and we'll re-check the diagnosis." The man, annoyed by now, reluctantly agrees. The next morning he is flat out irritated with the process and decides to have a bit of fun. He lets the dog out and as the pooch lifts his leg the man catches a little of the dogs urine. He then asks his daughter and his wife to help out and they help fill the container a bit as well. After some thought he drains a few drops of oil from the car, and tops it all off by masturbating and adding that to the mixture as well. He then heads to the doctor's office, giggling all the way. Upon arrival the doctor looks puzzled at the odd-colored sample but then places it into a tray that slides out from the computer-wall. With the man still giggling in the back ground, the computer buzzes and beeps, seeming to take a bit longer this time. Finally a paper slips out, and the doctor takes it and reads it, with a frown on his face. "Well, um... I am sorry to have to tell you, but... your dog has fleas, your daughter is pregnant, your wife has gonorrhea, your car needs an oil change and if you don't stop jerking off so much your tennis elbow will never get better."
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