I hope.
Thứ Năm, 29 tháng 11, 2018
Two women had been having a friendly lunch when the subject turned to sex.
"You know, John and I have been having some sexual problems", Linda told her friend.
"Thats amazing!" Mary replied, "So have Tom and I. Were thinking of going to a sex therapist", said Linda.
"Oh, we could never do that! Wed be too embarrassed!", responded Mary. "But after you go, will you please tell me how it went?"
Several weeks passed, and the two friends met for lunch again. "So how did the sex therapy work out, Linda?", Mary asked.
"Things couldnt be better!", Linda exclaimed. "We began with a physical exam, and afterward the doctor said he was certain he could help us. He told us to stop at the grocery store on the way home and buy a bunch of grapes and a dozen donuts. He told us to sit on the floor nude, and toss the grapes and donuts at each other. Every grape that went into my vagina, John had to get it out with his tongue. Every donut that I ringed his penis with, I had to eat. Our sex life is wonderful, in fact its better than its ever been!"
With that endorsement Mary talked her husband into an appointment with the same sex therapist. After the physical exams were completed the doctor called Mary and Tom into his office.
"Im afraid there is nothing I can do for you," he said.
"But doctor," Mary complained, "you did such good for Linda and John, surely you must have a suggestion for us! Please, please, cant you give us some help? Any help at all?"
"Well, OK," the doctor answered. "On your way home, I want you to stop at the grocery store and buy a sack of apples and a box of cheerios..."
First post. This ones best shared as a “real” story :-)
Back in high school, I had a friend named Ving. He and his twin sister, Ling, had recently moved here from China and so they had very traditional names. One day, Ving mentioned to me how much he hated his name.
“What kind of name is Ving? It’s so stupid,” he said, frustrated.
“You know, you can get your name changed at city hall.”
“Really? It’s that easy?”
“Yeah you just have to fill out some paperwork.” I paused. “I can drive you if you want.”
“Thanks dude. What would I even change my name to though?”
“How about something common that holds on to your roots. Something like Lee.”
“Lee. I like it.”
Unfortunately, Ling had overheard our talk and launched into a tirade about how his name had been in the family for generations and he couldn’t just throw away his heritage like that. Ving was set though.
The next day, we drove to city hall. Ling insisted on coming along, hoping to convince Ving to change his mind. She complained the entire way. Ving wasn’t deterred though.
We finally got to city hall and got the paperwork. As he was filling it out, Ving’s face changed.
“What’s wrong?” I asked. “You’ve been excited all day and yesterday for this.”
“I know, I know. It’s just— it’s my dad’s name too. I don’t know.” Ving sighed. “I don’t think I can go through with it.”
Ling looked relieved. The receptionist noted that there was a small cancellation fee. Ling happily took out some money.
Suddenly, an Asian man in Ray-Bans, neon shorts, and an American flag T-shirt bursted through the doors.
“Dad!” Ving, tears streaming down his face, ran to embrace his father. Ving Sr. smiled at his son.
“Don’t stop. Be Lee, Ving. Hold on to that fee Ling.”
A man goes to a prostitute...
A Man goes to a prostitute and asks for a blow job. She says it'll be $150.
He says "what can I get for $50?"
"A penguin."
He didn't know what a penguin was, but it was a bargain. He agrees and she pulls his pants and underwear to his ankles and begins to blow him. After a few minutes without a word, she stops what she's doing, stands up and walks away.
The man, pants still around his ankles, begins waddling after her, "Hey what's a penguin??!!"
Thứ Tư, 28 tháng 11, 2018
A Woman Goes To Buy A Parrot
A woman goes to buy a parrot. The shopkeeper brings her three parrots to see.
"This parrot is a marvel. It toured with the Royal Shakespeare Company. It can recite any play by Shakespeare on command, doing different voices for each part. It's yours for only $200"
"That's amazing, but I don't think I can afford that" the woman answers
"OK, no problem. For $100 this parrot is incredible. It was raised in the home of Sir Andrew Motion, it knows the complete works of Eliot, Wordsworth and Whitman and will recite their poems on command."
"That's incredible, but I can't afford that one either"
"OK, OK, I see you want a slightly more budget option. This next parrot is only $50. He's wonderful. He used to be Andrew Lloyd Webber's parrot, and he knows all the show tunes. He whistles any show tune you like, on command."
"Wow, that's great. It's still too expensive though. What can I get for $5?"
The shopkeeper looks at her, and with a shrug goes into the back room and brings out another parrot. It's beautiful, the colours are far more radiant than the other three, it stands proud in its cage, a truly majestic looking bird.
"What a beautiful parrot! Why is it only $5?"
"It was raised reading /r/jokes and repeats the same three jokes 100 times a day"
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