To the man in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket...

You can hide but you can't run!

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My daughter wanted a bouncy castle for her birthday. The guy said the rental was $50 and the set-up fee was $1000 dollars. I said, “That’s outrageous!”

He just shrugged and said, “That’s inflation for you.”

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Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He said thanks how do you know I’m not a serial killer?

I replied the chances of two serial killers being in the same car are astronomical.

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2 tampons are walking past each other, which one says "hi", first.

Neither, they're both stuck up cunts.

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Bobby had sex with a teacher.

Little Bobby came home from school and proudly announced to his Mom, " I had sex with a teacher today." Mom's infuriated. "Boy, get your ass up to your bedroom. Your father can take care of this when he gets home." When Dad arrives, Mom explains the situation, and Dad, feigning anger, rushes upstairs slamming doors. Charging into his son's room, he exclaims loudly, "Boy, what the hell have you been up to?!?" Then in a whisper, "Hell yeah, son. High five. Got any questions for the old man?" To which, little Bobby replied, " Yeah, Dad. How much longer is my butt gonna hurt?"

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Epileptic Santa!

"He seizures when you're sleeping."

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I tried to catch fog yesterday,

Mist.

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