My wife said, "I dreamed they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for a hundred dollars and the thick ones went for two hundred dollars." Chuckling, I asked, "How about the ones like mine?" She retorted, "Those, they gave away."

Not to be outdone, I said, "I had a dream too. I dreamed they were auctioning off pussies. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the tight little ones went for two thousand."

She quizzed, "And how much for the ones like mine?"

To which I replied, "That's where they held the auction."

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Does anyone know if its possible to take a skin graft from your buttocks and put it on somebody who isn't family?

Arse skin for a friend.

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I’m great at pulling out! Just ask my kids…

Not a single one of them has gotten pregnant yet!

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Why did Hitler kill himself?

He saw the gas bill.

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-Santa's sleigh was hit by a car. Several deers died. What is left?

-The remaindeer

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Two wives go out for a girls night out.

Two wives go out for girls night. Both got drunk, started walking home, and had to pee. They stopped at a cemetery but had nothing to wipe with. One used her underwear, the other grabbed a wreath off of a grave. The next morning one husband called the other and said, "no more girls night out! my wife came back with no panties." the other husband said, "you think that's bad? mine came back with a card in her crack that read 'from all of us at the fire station- we'll never forget you."

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Had a chick pull a knife out on me and tried to cut my dick off...

She missed and stabbed me in the thigh. She was later charged with a misdaweiner.

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