She said, "That's a stupid name."
I said, "Now you're gestating the Obvious."
Thứ Bảy, 8 tháng 12, 2018
Three high ranking Axis soldiers are about to be interrogated
One is a member of the Gestapo. One is an Imperial Japanese officer. And one is a Fascist Italian Commander.
They are all sitting in their holding cell discussing what they are going to do when they get interrogated.
The German says, "My superior German spirit and intelligence will make it impossible for them to brake me."
The Japanese say, "It it only through my undying devotion to the Emperor that I will be able to withstand their torture."
The Italian says, "I'm fucked."
The German is the first to be interrogated, and as he leave they with him luck. Nearly a whole day passes before the German returns to the cell, covered in bruises and blood. The other two ask him what happened.
"Even my perfect genes could not protect me from their methods. I have failed my country,"
Next, the Japanese is up to be interrogated. 3 days pass and he returns to the cell. His eyes are both black, fingers broken, and body bruised and bloodied.
"I have dishonored myself and my Emperor. When they release me, I must commit honorable seppuku."
Lastly, the Italian is up, and he leaves already begging for his life. A whole week passes before he returns. Beaten nearly to death, he is carried in by 2 soldiers. One of the soldiers jeers, "I can't believe you guys broke instead of this dago."
The other 2 are shocked. Amazed that this Italian could take their punishments and not break. They ask him how he did it.
"I wanted to give in immediately, but I couldn't speak."
"What do you mean you couldn't speak?" The others ask.
"They tied my hands behind my back."
How do you like them apples?
A guy sits down at the bar, and asks for a Rum & Coke
The bartender plops an apple in front of him.
"But I wanted a drink"
The bartender says "Just try it."
The guy bites into the apple, and says "Wow, this tastes just like rum!"
"Turn it around," says the bartender.
The guy bites into the other side of the apple and says "Wow, this tastes just like Coke. Amazing!"
Another guy sits down, orders a Gin & Tonic.
The bartender plops down an apple in front of him.
"I want a drink, not food"
The first guy says "Trust me, just taste it."
He bites into the apple, and says "Wow, this tastes just like Gin"
"Turn it around," says the bartender.
He bites into the other side, and says "Wow, this tastes just like Tonic. Amazing!"
A third guy sits down.
"What can I get for you?" the bartender asks.
"Hmm, let me think"
The first guy says "Whatever you want, he has an apple that tastes just like it."
The guy says "Oh yeah, do you have one that tastes like pussy?"
The bartender plops down an apple in front of him.
He takes a bite, and spits it out, screaming "This tastes like SHIT"
"Turn it around" says the bartender.
Jack, a handsome man, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV as the 10:00 news came on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
Jack says, "You know what, I bet he will." The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Jack placed $30 on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her $30 to Jack, saying, "Fair's fair... Here's your money."
Jack replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."
The blonde replies, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."
Jack took the money.
A few days after Christmas,
a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room.
She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."
The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon."
She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."
Thứ Sáu, 7 tháng 12, 2018
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