My girlfriend wanted me to fill the bathtub up with milk

I asked if she wanted it pasteurized.

She said, "No, up to my tits is fine."

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A viking named Rudolph the Red was looking out of the window during a cloudy night...

He said to his wife, "It is going to rain, my love."

His wife asked how he knew this.

He responded with: "Because Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."

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I have an EpiPen...

My friend gave it to me while he was dying.
It seemed really important to him that I have it.

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I broke up with my girlfriend when she told me she used to be Christian.

I only knew her as Christina and this was too much of a shock.

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The Worst Person On The Internet This Week Is This Bride Who Expects Guests To Drop $1,000 To Match Her Dress Code

The Worst Person On The Internet This Week Is This Bride Who Expects Guests To Drop $1,000 To Match Her Dress Code
This bride's extremely specific dress code for her Hawaiian dream wedding specifies different colors for women below 160 pounds, women above 160 pounds, men below 200 pounds, men above 200 pounds and children.

December 8, 2018 at 02:41AM
via Digg https://ift.tt/2rpr4Ng

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Due to reposts I now try to guess the punchline before i open up a joke on Reddit. Can you guess how many I've gotten correct?

Bus driver.

If you thought I was going to say "nun" you were probably surprised.

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Did you know that a piranha can devour a human child to the bone in 30 seconds?

Anyways, I lost my job at the aquarium today.

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