He said he couldn't complain.
Chủ Nhật, 9 tháng 12, 2018
Thứ Bảy, 8 tháng 12, 2018
A farmer got an idea for how to make money off his farm in the off-season.
He had a huge property all bounded by a big, white fence end to end. Along that fence was an old country road where few people drove.
He decided he would set up a Christmas light display like he'd heard about others doing. It took him some time to gather all the lights necessary, but eventually through the sweat of his farmhands and an absurd number of extension cords, he was finished. When sunset came, the first car to come down that road got an amazing sight.
The entire fence was covered in lights! Fence post after fence post, crossbeam after crossbeam, the most dazzling, amazing collection of lights they'd ever seen! The driver immediately called his friends and family and told them to get out to the old country road and within hours, the traffic was backed up for a mile.
At the end of the display, he had a couple of farmhands waiting with donation buckets and sure enough, he raked in several hundred dollars that night. This went on for weeks only getting more and more popular and even despite the high electricity bill, he turned quite a profit on the display.
And so it went for the next few years. His light displays got more and more elaborate. They synced to music. They twinkled in time to the passing cars. There were LEDs and lasers, inflatable reindeer and glowing manger scenes, and everything in between. He started to notice, however, that the number of cars began to dwindle each night.
Whereas folks used to come from counties around to see the fence, the numbers grew smaller and smaller each night. At the end of the season, he'd seen maybe a tenth of the cars.
The months passed and November crept up again. The farmer headed down to the feed and hardware shop to gather a few necessary supplies for the display and couldn't help but overhear a couple of the customers talking.
"Yeah, it just ain't what it used to be. I mean, don't get me wrong, it were pretty and all when he got it started, but something 'bout it nowadays just ain't fresh."
"I know. I wish he'd do something different. Something original. Everybody's got them Christmas lights now."
This incensed the farmer. He spent hundreds of hours every season making something amazing for the world to see and they were treating it like so much manure from his barn. He would show them.
He raced back to his farm and he ripped out every single light from post after post. He tore out the inflatable Santa and knocked down the wise men. And when he was done, he meticulously strung the exact same red and green lights on every square foot of that fence. "I'll show them. They think they can take me foregranted, we'll see how they like this boring mess."
The first night of the display, the visitors (small in number as they may have been), were astonished. Their phones lit up with dials to their friends and neighbors. Soon enough, the line of cars stretched back miles and miles, longer than it ever had in the heyday of the display.
The farmer shook his head while his farmhands stood agape at the traffic. "I don't believe it! How could this be so popular?" the lead farmhand asked the farmer.
"It's simple. Everybody says they want to see something original but what really gets them going is the same old post over and over again."
One day at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skin-tight miniskirt.
When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight that she couldn’t get her foot high enough to reach the step.
Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the step. Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn’t reach the step. So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted up her leg only to realize that she still couldn’t reach the step.
So, seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus. The girl turned around furiously and said, “How dare you touch my body that way; I don’t even know you!”
Shocked, the man says, “Well, ma’am, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, I kind of figured that we were friends.”
A blind guy walks into a lesbian bar
But everyone’s cool about it and he’s served his drink.
Then, after a few minutes he says, “Hey, bartender; wanna hear a blonde joke?”
The place goes dead still.
Finally the bartender says, “Look, mister, I know you’re visually challenged and all; I’m gonna cut you some slack. But there’s a few things you should know.
“Sitting next to you, on your right, there’s an off-duty cop. She’s armed, and she’s a blonde. On your left you got a martial arts expert with black belts in seven different disciplines. She’s a blonde. At the table behind you, two sisters: a professional wrestling team. Both are blondes. And me, I got a .357 Magnum under the counter. I’m licensed, trained, and it’s loaded. And, you guessed it: I’m a blonde.
“So I want you to choose your words carefully before you answer this question: do you still want to tell that blonde joke?”
“Aw hell no. Not if I have to explain it five times!”
A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door, where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. "Not a chance!" says the husband. "It's three o'clock in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push." he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not! It's three in the morning and it's pouring out!"
"Well, you have a short memory." says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes." comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here, on the swing."
An Englishman, a Scottish man, and an Irish man all walk into a pub with their wives.
They all sit down and order a cup of tea. The Englishman looks to his wife and says “could you pass the honey, honey?” The Scottish man thinks to himself how clever that was, then turns to his wife and says “could you pass the sugar, sugar?” The Irish man - not wanting to be out witted by the other two men - looks over at his wife and says “Could you pass me the milk ye fucking cow?”
A woman is giving birth to twins.
Due to the massive blood loss during the delivery, she had gone unconscious shortly after they were delivered.
She awakens to a nurse who congratulated her on having the kids and told her that her brother had come in and named the children for her.
"Oh no" the woman said, "My brother is a little slow...he's not entirely all there"
"Don't worry" says the nurse, "He actually picked good names, the girls name is Denise"
"That's not that bad" says the woman. "What's my boys name?"
The nurse replies "Denephew"
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