One Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light..

..And next to him is a kid on his brand new bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there, kid. Did Santa bring that to you?" The kid says, "Yeah." The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike." The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20 bicycle safety violation ticket. The kid takes the ticket and before the cop rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did." The kid says, "Well, next year tell Santa to...

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A straight tree and a gay tree lived next to each other for 60 years

The straight tree was always making fun of the gay tree. One evening a storm comes along and lightning hits the straight tree and it shatters into hundreds of pieces. The gay tree bust out laughing and says "look who's a faggot now"...

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To avoid being raped when I went to jail, I stuck a tube of toothpaste up my ass...

...for complete cavity protection......

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I had to turn off my carbon monoxide detector ...

‘cause the constant beeping was giving me a headache and making me hallucinate...

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A lawyer is arrested by the cops

He says: "I refuse to say anything without a lawyer present." Cop: "You are a lawyer." Lawyer: "Exactly, so where is my present?"...

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I told my teenage niece to go get me a phone book...

She laughed at me, and said "Oh uncle you're so old. Just use my phone." So I slammed her phone against the wall to kill a spider....

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A Husband Whispers in his Wife's Ear at the Bar

"Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the bar where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you." Yes, she says, "I remember it oh so well!" OK, he says, "Let's go there again, and we can do it for old time's sake?" "Oh Marvin, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!" A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep...

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