A drunk guy is showing friends his new apartment...

The last stop is the bedroom, where a big brass gong sits next to the bed. ​ "What's that gong for?" the friend asks him. ​ "It's not a gong," the drunk replies. "It's a talking clock." ​ "How does it work?" ​ The guys picks up a hammer, gives the gong an ear-shattering pound, and steps back. ​ Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screams, "For God's sake, you asshole...it's 3:30 in the god damn morning!"...

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This is why you check for kids

A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Not aware that 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company. Boy: "Dark in here." Man: "Yes it is." Boy: "I have a baseball." Man: "That's nice." Boy: "Want to buy it?" Man: "No, thanks." Boy: "My dad's outside." Man: "OK, how much?" Boy: "£250." In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together. Boy: "Dark in here." Man: "Yes, it is." Boy:...

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George W. Bush, Barack Obama and Donald Trump have died and face God...

God asks Bush, "What do you believe in?" Bush: "I believe in free trade, a strong America, the nation." God is impressed: "Come to my right."   God turns to Obama: "What do you believe in?" Obama: "I believe in democracy, in helping the poor, in world peace." God is very impressed and says, "Sit down to my left."   Then he asks Trump, "What do you think?" Trump: "I think you're sitting in my chair."...

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My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class wank him off.

I said “ son, that’s 3 schools this year... maybe teaching isn’t for you.”...

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I'm a 40-year old with the body of a 20-year old.

Just need to find a place to bury her....

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An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines.

He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog. The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?" The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my Little Fifi is using that seat?" The soldier...

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Three men are in a hotel room in Soviet Russia.

The first two men open a bottle of vodka, while the third is tired and goes straight to bed. He is unable to sleep however, as his increasingly drunk friends tell political jokes loudly. After a while, the tired man gets frustrated and walks downstairs for a smoke. He stops in the lounge and asks the receptionist to bring tea to their room in five minutes. The man walks back into the room, joins the table, leans towards a power outlet and speaks into it: "Comrade major, we want some tea to room 62 please." His friends laugh on the joke, until...

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