A guy and a girl meet at a bar.

They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place. A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands. He then takes off his trousers and washes his hands again.

The girl has been watching him and says, "You must be a dentist."

The guy, surprised, says "Yes! How did you figure that out?"

"Easy," she replied, "you keep washing your hands."

One thing led to another and they make love. After they have done, the girl says, "You must be a good dentist."

The guy, now with a boosted ego says, "Sure, I'm the best dentist in town, How did you figure that out?"

"Didn't feel a thing!"

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Pedro and Juanita

Pedro and Juanita are running a cantina in Mexico. One day Pedro having a siesta and Juanita is looking after the bar.

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One of the patrons is getting very drunk on tequila and he says "Hey Juanita, I want to kiss you all over your body."

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Juanita says "Pees off you peeg."

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So he carries on drinking and a while later he says "Hey Juanita, I want to feel your titties."

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Juanita says "Pees off you peeg."

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So he carries on drinking and a while later he says "Hey Juanita, I want to fill your pussy with ice cream and lick it all out."

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So Juanita storms up the stairs and wakes Pedro. She says "Pedro, Pedro there is a man in the cantina. He says he wants to kiss me all over my body."

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Pedro jumps off the bed and grabs his machete. He says "Where is he? I will cut him in half."

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Juanita says "That's not all, he says he wants to feel my titties."

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Pedro says "Where is he, I will cut in half twice."

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Juanita says "That's not all, he says he wants to fill my pussy with ice cream and eat it all out."

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Pedro looks disappointed, he puts the machete down and lies down on the bed again.

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Juanita says "Are you not going to cut him in half."

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Pedro says "No, any man that can eat that much ice cream is too big for me to fight with."

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A journalist asked Tim Cook why iPhones are so expensive

"Well", said Tim Cook, "that's because the iPhone replaces a whole bunch of devices. A phone, a camera, a watch, a music player, a video player, a PDA, a voice recorder, a GPS navigator, a flashlight, a calculator, a portable gaming console, and many other things. Surely, a high price is worth paying to replace so many devices!"

"Then why are Androids so much cheaper?", asked the journalist.

"Because," said Tim Cook, "an Android replaces just one device. The iPhone."

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Iron Man and Silver Surfer have teamed up for the next movie.

They are alloys.

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Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar.

He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong.

"Well," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"

"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh. "Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."

"That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"

"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show."

"Sensible" says Jeff.

"So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw."

"And what happened then?"

(Paul slumps back over the bar again.) "I kicked her in the face."

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How to 69

A woman promises to teach her boyfriend what 69ing is.

He lies down on the floor and she squats down over his face to assume the position and farts. Embarrassed she stands up and apologises. She squats down for another go but farts again, she gets up and apologises again.

Before she can have a third go, her boyfriend gets up and goes to walk out saying “yeah this isn’t really for me, I’m not having 67 more of those in my face”

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In Canada you are most likely to die of a moose kick than that of a terrorist attack.

Those damn moose limbs.

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