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Thứ Tư, 9 tháng 1, 2019

A man enters a sexy lingerie store to purchase a transparent negligee for his wife.

The salesgirl shows him several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price -- the more sheer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the sheerest item, pays the $500, and takes it home.

He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him. Upstairs the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself."

She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.

The husband says, "Good Lord! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!"

To the person who stole my broken bathroom scale, I can guarantee one thing..

There’s no way you can get a weigh with it.

A 5-year old girl went to visit her grandmother one day.

She played with her dolls as grandma dusted the furniture. At one point, she looked up and asked: "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend?"

Grandma replied: "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel so good. The comedies make me laugh. I'm so happy with my TV as my boyfriend."

Grandma turned on the TV and the picture was horrible. She started adjusting the knobs trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the back of the TV hoping to fix the problem. The little girl heard the doorbell ring so she hurried to open the front door.

When she opened the door, there stood Grandma's minister.

The minister said: "Hello young lady. Is your grandma home?"

The little girl replied: "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."

This morning, my wife was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast. As I walked in, she turned to me and said, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!" My eyes lit up and I thought, "This is my lucky day!"

Not wanting to lose the moment, I didn't waste any time at all, I gave her a banging right on the kitchen table!

Afterwards she said, "Thanks." and returned to the stove.

More than a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"

She giggled, "The egg timer's broken."

What does a pregnant teenage girl and her baby have in common?

They're both thinking "Oh shit, my mom is gonna kill me."

My wife asked me if I’ve ever peed in the shower.

Me: Yes, twice, accidentally.

Wife: How do you accidentally pee in the shower?

Me: Well, sometimes I pee while I’m pooping.

Trump's gonna build the wall out of...

Hillary's emails. Nobody can get over those fuckin' things apparently