American drone.
Thứ Hai, 14 tháng 1, 2019
Chủ Nhật, 13 tháng 1, 2019
A redneck wrestler
has beaten every opponent he's been up against and is now going international. Before the match against the Russian champion, his coach sits him down.
"Now, look, you're faster and more agile than this guy. He's big and strong, but just keep moving and let him tire himself out and you can beat him."
"Got it, coach," says the wrestler.
"One more thing," says the coach. "He's got this hold called the Pretzel Hold that no one has ever escaped from. Whatever happens, don't let him get you in the Pretzel Hold cause then it's all over."
"Got it, coach," says the wrestler. "Stay out of the Pretzel Hold."
The match starts and in five seconds the redneck is in the Pretzel Hold. A groan goes up from the American spectators and the coach buries his face in his hands, unable to watch.
Suddenly, there's a tremendous yell and a thump from the mat and the crowd bursts into cheers and applause. The coach looks up and sees the Russian out cold on the mat and the redneck standing over him. Before he can get up into the ring the crowd rushes in and hoists the redneck into the air, celebrating his victory.
Half an hour later, the coach and the redneck are alone and able to talk.
"What happened out there?" asks the coach. "I mean, one second you're in the hold, and next thing I know, you've won. How?"
"Well," says the redneck, "I don't know how he got me in the hold so fast, but once I was in it, I was pretty much unable to move anything but my head. So, I looked up, and there was a pair of testicles dangling right in front of my face. So, I did the only thing I could do. I craned my neck forward and bit fown."
"Ah, so that's how you beat him?" said the coach.
"Not exactly," said the wrestler. "You'd be surprised how much strength you have when you've just bitten down on your own testicles."
After my retirement at the company I worked at for 50 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time and putting my feet up, but my wife had other ideas...
... she insisted I take her to the local shopping centre every day.
Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out.
She's like most women - loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfill.
Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local Shopping centre:
Dear Mrs. Harris:
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store.
We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store.
Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:
June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in House wares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time; and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3.
August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
August 14: Moved a, 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.
September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, 'Mission Impossible' theme.
October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, 'Madonna Look' using different sizes of funnels.
October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed;
'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?
And last, but not least:
October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile; then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.
Husband doing crossword with wife..
Husband : emphatic no, five letters
Wife : never
H : pistol, three letters
W : gun
H : disgust, three letters
W : ugh
H : charity, four letters
W : give
H : female sheep, three letters
W : ewe
H : Pixar movie, two letters
W : Up
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