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Thứ Năm, 17 tháng 1, 2019

3 vampires are having a competition to prove who's the most vicious vampire among them.

3 vampires are having a competition to prove who's the most vicious vampire among them. The strongest one started 1st, "watch this," He said as he flies so fast, about 100 miles/hour. After only 10 minutes, he comes back with blood all over his mouth. "what happened?" they asked. "did you see that house over there?" "yes?" "well.. I killed the entire family and sucked the blood dry!" "wow!? fascinating, as expected from the strongest vampire" Then the eldest one takes the next turn "watch and learn," he said as he flies even faster, about 120 miles/hour. After only 5 minutes, he comes back with blood all over his mouth and his neck. "what happened??" they asked. "did you see that village over there?" "ye..yes?" "well.. I killed every last person on that village and sucked the blood dry!" "wow!? magnificent! truly amazing, we can expect no less from the eldest one!" Finally the last turn belongs to the fastest one, "don't blink or you'll miss it" he said as he flies really fast, even faster than the other two, about 140 miles/hour. After only a mere 30 seconds, he comes back with blood all over his mouth, his neck, and his nose. "wh..what happened???" they asked. "did you see that big ass tree over there?" "ye..yes?!" "well.. I didn't"

Son: "Mom, Dad, I'm gay."

Mom: Stares at Dad

Dad: Clenches fist

Mom: "Don't!"

Dad: Sweats Profusely

Mom: "..."

Dad: "HI GAY, I'M DAD"

A guy and his friend are sitting on a sofa having a few beers. Guy #1 - “What would you do if we found out an asteroid was going to hit the earth in one hour?”

Guy #2 - “I would fuck the first thing that moved. What would you do?”

Guy #1 - “I’d sit very fucking still for the next hour!”

How A Stroke Turned A 63-Year-Old Into A Rap Legend


How A Stroke Turned A 63-Year-Old Into A Rap Legend
After a swarm of small strokes, Dr. Sherman Hershfield's personality seemed to change. He suddenly became obsessed with reading and writing poetry. Soon, his friends noticed another unusual side effect: He couldn't stop speaking in rhyme.

January 16, 2019 at 09:00PM
via Digg http://bit.ly/2CnSPei

I was just diagnosed with color blindness...

... it came completely out of the purple.

A shy guy goes into a pub and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar.

After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, “Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?”.

She responds by yelling, at the top of her voice, “NO! I will not sleep with you!”.

Everyone at the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is extremely embarrassed and slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologises. She smiles and says quietly “I’m sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I’m a psychology student and I’m studying how people respond to embarrassing situations”.

To this, the man responds at the top of his voice “WHAT DO YOU MEAN £800?”

Cop: You were going 68 in a 55

Me: Dang, 68? Can you make that number a little cooler so I can hear the judge saying it out loud?

Cop: Sure whatever

[Later in traffic court]

Judge: How were you going 420 in a 55?