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Chủ Nhật, 20 tháng 1, 2019

A college teacher reminds her class of the next day’s final exam.

“Now class, I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever!”

A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, “What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?”

The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head sweetly.

“Well, I guess you’d have to write the exam with your other hand.”

Me: "When I donate blood I do not extract it. A nurse does it for me. "

Receptionist: "Yes, but this is a sperm bank and it doesn't work that way. "

A JFK conspiracy theorist dies and goes to heaven

When he arrives at the Pearly Gates, God is there to receive him. "Welcome. You are permitted to ask me one question, which I will answer truthfully."

Without hesitating, the conspiracy theorist asks, "Who really shot Kennedy?"

God replies, "Lee Harvey Oswald shot him from sixth floor of the Texas School Book Depository. There were no accomplishes. He acted alone"

The conspiracy theorist pauses, thinks to himself, then says "Shit! This goes higher up than I thought..."

Thứ Bảy, 19 tháng 1, 2019

Tom retires from the Police after 30 years.

Sick of the stress, he buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.

“Name's Jess, your neighbour from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00 . . .”

“Great,” says Tom. After six months alone out here he was ready to meet some local folks. "Thank you.”

As Jess is leaving, he stops, “Gotta warn you. Be some drinkin'.”

“Not a problem”, says Tom. “After 30 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em.”

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. “More'n likely gonna be some fightin' too.”

“Well, I get along with people. I'll be all right! I'll be there. Thanks again.”

“More'n likely be some wild sex, too.”

“Now that‟s really not a problem,” says Tom, warming to the idea. “I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, should I wear something nice?”

“Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us.”

I told a girl to text me when she got home

She must be homeless..

The best thing about Japanese porn is they censor it,

so I can watch it with my family.

I invented a new golf ball that’ll automatically go in the hole if it gets within four inches...

Whatever you do, do NOT carry them in your back pocket...