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Thứ Bảy, 26 tháng 1, 2019

An astronaut is the first to step onto an alien planet.

An astronaut is the first to step onto an alien planet. The alien's are so excited that they change all their signs to English, and even rename some of their places and landmarks after Human places and landmarks and things.
The astronaut decides the first place he wants to go is a pub. He sees a nearby alien and asks, "where's the pub?"
The alien gurgles back but his suit translates to the astronaut in real time. The alien says, "just around the corner!"
The astronaut heads around the corner and sees it! It's labelled "The Keyboard" and he asks the bouncer, "Why is it called the Keyboard?"

The bouncer replies, "the boss loves all things human and changed his name to reflect that. Ask him, he's the bartender."

So the astronaut enters the Keyboard and goes to the bartender.

"Excuse me, do you own this pub?" The astronaut says.

"I do." The bartender gurgles back.

"Why is it called the Keyboard?" The man asks.

"Well," the alien gurgles in reply, "since I knew you humans were coming I updated the name!"

The astronaut is on the edge of his seat...

"The reason it's called the Keyboard is because... it's a space bar."

My last relationship ended because I didn’t open the car door for her.

Instead I just swam for the surface.

I didn't want to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker.

But when I got home, all the signs were there.

I’ve been diagnosed with a rare condition that makes me think I’m an airport building.

Hope it’s not terminal.

My friend gets offended when people tell fat jokes.

I told her to lighten up.

Abortion bill

Trump is sitting in the oval office when mike pence walks in. Pence says, here's the abortion bill you just need to sign it Mr. President

Trump replies "I thought Michael cohen paid for that"

A Buddhist monk walks up to a hot dog vendor and says “Make me one with everything”.

The hot dog vendor hands over the sausage and bun with all the trimmings, and the Buddhist hands over a twenty. The vendor pockets it.

The Buddhist asks “Where’s my change?” and the vendor replies “change must come from within”.

A gun then extends from the Buddhist’s chest and he asks again.

The vendor says “Whoa, man, where did that come from?”

The Buddhist replies “This is my inner piece”.