The only person Trump ever hired who was actually qualified to do their job was Stormy Daniels

Now you know who the best people are

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Americans always have something to complain about, then suddenly they'll move on. Remember when people were up in arms about cupcakes, bathrooms, statues, police, riots, clean water? So when you think this "Wall" thing will last forever, just remember...

People will eventually get over it.

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I couldn't afford a nice television, so I just smoked a ton of weed and read the dictionary.

High definition.

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A man boarded a plane with six kids.

After they settled into their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over and asked, “Are all of those kids yours?” He replied, “No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints.”

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If anyone ever figured out my secret 4-digit code, I'd be screwed! They'd have my bank pin #, phone unlock code, front door lock code...

...they'd even know my birth year!

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Thanos seems a lot like a pessimist to me

Y'know, the 'universe half empty' kind of guy

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Set your WiFi password to 2444666668888888

So when someone asks, tell them it's 12345678

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