So when someone asks, tell them it's 12345678
Thứ Sáu, 1 tháng 2, 2019
One day in the future, Donald Trump has a heart-attack and dies. He immediately goes to Hell, where the devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do here," says the devil.
“You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."
Donald thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room.
In it, was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. Nixon kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed.
Over, and over, and over he dived in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.
"No," Donald said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and it would ruin my hair. I don't think I could do that all day long.”
The devil led him to the door of the next room. In it, was Ronald Reagan with a sledge-hammer and a room full of rocks.
All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder.”
“I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day”, commented Donald.
The devil opened a third door.
Through it, Donald saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose.
Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
Donald looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah man, I can handle this."
The devil smiled and said, “Okay: Monica, you're free to go."
“I love you loads, honey pie.” My wife said earlier.
“And I love you tons.” I replied.
“What, no nickname for me?” She asked, disappointed.
Sometimes I swear the fat cow’s going deaf.
A five-year-old and a four-year-old decide to start swearing...
A five-year-old and a four-year-old are upstairs in their bedroom.
"You know what?" says the five-year-old, "I think it's about time we start swearing." The four-year-old nods his head in approval. The 5-year-old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna say "hell", and you say "ass", okay?" The four-year-old agrees with great enthusiasm!
The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the five-year-old what he wants for breakfast, "Aw hell Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."
.....WHACK!
He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs bawling.
The mom looks at the four-year-old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?" "I'm not sure," he says, "but you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios."
Two ladies in heaven
1st woman: Hi Wanda!
2nd woman: Ohmigod, Sylvia! How did you die?
1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!
1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
2nd woman: I had a massive heart attack. I suspected my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him. But instead I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st woman: So then what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman in the house that I started running all over the house looking, I ran up into the attic to search and then down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere in the house. Finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died,.
1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer. We'd both still be alive.
A man was very sick. Doctors feared the worst. He is at home one day, resting in his bed. He looks up and says, "Is my wife here?" His wife replies, "Yes, dear, I'm here, next to you." The man goes, "Are my children here?" "Yes, Daddy, we are all here," say the children.
"Are my other relatives also here?"
And they say, "Yes, we are all here..."
The man sits up and says, "Then why in the world is the light on in the kitchen?"
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