...but they're having a really hard time putting their case together...
Thứ Hai, 11 tháng 2, 2019
A frog is born mute
A frog is born mute so he can’t make any noises that a frog typically makes because, well, he can’t make any noises at all. So naturally it’s very difficult for the frog to make friends with the other frogs and he ends up with just one friend; a tortoise who’s had the patience and the wherewithal to befriend this mute frog and to develop a system of communication with him. Basically the frog blinks once for Yes, twice for No, the tortoise does all the talking and asks all the questions and they get along just fine.
Years go by and the frog and the tortoise have fostered a beautiful friendship. But as the frog has gotten older he has become sexually curious and desires to mingle with the other frogs his age. The tortoise senses this one day and asks the frog, ‘do you want me to take you to the pond?’ The frog blinks once for Yes. So the tortoise takes the frog to the pond and starts introducing him to all the other frogs. At first the frog is very nervous but the tortoise does a great job of explaining his disability and all the other frogs are very accepting of his condition. The mute frog ends up making a lot of new friends which boosts his confidence. And then the frog spies across the pond a beautiful girl frog. He can’t take his eyes off of her and the tortoise catches him staring. The tortoise says, ‘You like her, don’t you?’ The frog blinks once. The tortoise says, ‘You want me to go talk to her for you?’ The frog blinks twice for No. ‘I see,’ says the tortoise. ‘You wish you could talk to her yourself.’ The frog blinks once, a single tear rolling down his little frog cheek. ‘Well gee, my friend,’ says the tortoise. ‘We’ve been good friends for so long, I think I owe it to you to find a way to restore your voice.’ And with that the tortoise sets out.
The tortoise searches all over the forest for days until one day he meets a snake who just so happened to be the most renowned surgeon of all the land. This snake could perform any surgery that exists. The tortoise explains the situation to the snake and asks him if there’s anything the snake can do for the frog. ‘Yessssss,’ the snake replies. ‘There issss one sssurgery I can perform that may ressstore your friend’sss voice, but you have to undersssstand, it’s very risssky. There’sss a fifty percent chance your friend won’t sssurvive the sssurgery.’ ‘Oh my,’ says the tortoise. ‘I’ll be sure to let him know!’
So the tortoise returns to the frog and tells him the news. ‘There’s this snake who might be able to restore your voice, but it’s a coin toss whether or not you survive the procedure. Do you want to go through with this?’ After a long pause, the frog blinks once for Yes. So a day is set aside for the surgery and on that day all of the creatures of the forest gather around the snake and the frog as the snake prepares his tools and the anesthesia starts to kick in. All the creatures of the forest look on anxiously, knowing that in just a few short moments they’re either going to hear their friend’s voice for the first time, or they’re going to lose him forever. And you’ll never guess what happened next.
He croaked!
Three men, Joe, Bro, and Buddy, all lived in a small town.
One day, Joe went hunting alone, and for the next few days no one heard from him. About a week afterwards, a body was found and brought into the coroner’s office.
The coroner, after thoroughly examining the body, needed a positive identification in order to verify that the body was indeed Joe. So, he brought in Bro and Buddy, and told them to come in separately to identify the body.
Bro came in first, and was asked to look for any details about the body that he recognized. After a few minutes of examining, Bro said, “Mr. Coroner, I’ll need you to turn the body over for me to be sure.”
Confused, the coroner obliged. Bro continued to examine the body, bent down on one knee, reared his head sideways, then stood up and said, “No sir, this can’t be Joe.”
The coroner was even more confused, but he accepted this statement and sent Bro out. Next, he invited Buddy in to repeat the task. Buddy, after examining the body in a similar fashion to Bro, also requested that the body be turned over.
The coroner, after mumbling a bit about his confusion, flipped the body over. Buddy too bent down on one knee and examined the back area of the body, then, just as Bro had previously, said, “No sir, Mr. Coroner, this isn’t Joe.”
The coroner was astonished, so he asked that Bro come back in so that the two of them were standing there at once. The coroner said, “Gentlemen, this man’s dental records and features match perfectly with those of your friend Joe’s. How on earth are you both positive this isn’t him?”
Bro and Buddy looked at each other, then Bro answered, “Sir, this can’t be Joe because Joe has two assholes.”
In shock, the coroner asked, “How can he have two assholes? Have you ever seen them?”
Buddy replied, “No sir, but it was common knowledge. Every time we were out with him, people would say, ‘Look, it’s Joe and those two assholes!’”
Credit goes to my grandmother, who was the first to tell me this joke.
These Pictures Show Just How Perfect The Grammys Were In '90s
These Pictures Show Just How Perfect The Grammys Were In '90s
On the occasion of the 61st Annual Grammy Awards, here's a look back at the show's fashions, faces, and performances in the 1990s.
February 11, 2019 at 06:00AM
via Digg http://bit.ly/2GAYocT
A monk is being inducted into the monastic order...
The two elder monks in charge of his induction send him on a task. He must go into the archives and copy all the scriptures in there and not return until he's finished.
Several days later. The young monk returns and asks the elder monk, "As I was performing my task, I noticed several spelling mistakes in the last monks work, what would have happened had I copied them word for word? Then the scriptures would be wrong".
The elder monk thinks about this and decides to take it upon himself to ensure all the scriptures and copies are correct, he retreats to the archives.
The other monks don't see him for weeks. One day, the youngest monk is walking past the door to the archives and hears weeping from within. He opens the door to find the elder monk sitting amongst a pile of old scriptures.
"What's wrong?" the younger monk asks.
Solemnly looking up from of the oldest, original parchments the archives contain, the rules of the monastic order. The eldest monk replies.
"It says celebrate.... Fucking celebrate".
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