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Thứ Ba, 19 tháng 2, 2019

A husband and his wife were sitting at a table at her 20th high school reunion

She kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink, as he sat alone at a nearby table.

The husband asks: “do you know him?”

“Yes”, she sighed. “He’s my old boyfriend. I understand he started drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and i hear he hasn’t been sober since.”

“My god!”, says her husband. “Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?”

My boss fired me for making too many Asian jokes

It was the end of my Korea

What starts with “f” and ends with “k”?

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her more precocious students. The teacher asked, “Harry, what exactly is your problem?” Harry answered, “I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she! I think I should be in the 3rd grade, too!” Ms. Brooks finally had enough; she took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the situation to the principal. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he happily agreed to take the test. Principal: “What is 3 x 3?” Harry: “9.” Principal: “What is 6 x 6?” Harry: “36.” And so it went with every question the principal thought a bright 3rd grader should know. The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, “Y’know, I reckon Harry can go to the 3rd grade.” But Ms. Brooks is still skeptical of the little bugger and says to the principal, “Not so fast, let me ask him a few questions.” The principal and Harry both agree. Ms. Brooks asks, “What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?” Harry, after a moment: “Legs.” Ms. Brooks: “What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?” The principal wondered why would she ask such a question! Harry replied: “Pockets.” to the Principal’s great relief. Ms. Brooks: “What does a dog do that a man steps into?” Harry: “Pants.” By now, the principal is sitting forward with his mouth hanging open. Ms. Brooks: “What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?” Now the principal's eyes open really wide and before he could intervene, Harry replied, “Bubble gum.” Ms. Brooks: “What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?” Harry: “Shake hands.” The principal is now trembling with apprehension as Ms. Brooks asks the last question. Ms. Brooks: “What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' and indicates a great deal of heat and excitement?” Harry: “Firetruck.” The principal breaths a huge sigh of relief and tells the teacher, “Put the little bastard in 5th Grade; I got the last seven questions wrong myself.”

Wife: I just got stung by a jellyfish. quick, pee on it

Husband : [peeing on jellyfish] This is for stinging my wife

I’m opening a new gay club called “Garage Sale”

Because one man's junk is another man's treasure!

If smoking marijuana causes short-term memory loss

What does smoking marijuana do?

A Cop Saw a Car in the Ditch.

A police officer was driving down the road when he saw a car in the ditch.

The crash appeared to pretty bad so he took a close look, when he got to the car and looked inside he saw an entire dead family. The husband, the wife, two kids, and a monkey.

He asks the monkey, not expecting much, what had happened. The monkey responds with a gesture of crashing. So he asks further.

“What was the Father doing?” The monkey scratches his head, nods and does a drinking gesture.

“Oh so he was drinking?” The monkey nods his head excitedly.

The officer asks, “what was the Mother doing?” The monkey thinks for a moment, and does a mouth talking gesture.

“Bitching?” The cop guessed. The monkey with a smile nods his head in excitement.

The cop looks in the back and asks. “What were the kids doing?” The monkey thinks a moment and starts hitting the air.

“So they were fighting?” The monkey nods his head.

Then the officer asked, “What were you doing?”

Without hesitation the monkey smiles making a steering wheel gesture.