Either way he's getting at least two cups
Thứ Ba, 26 tháng 2, 2019
Alan Loved his tractors
Alan has been a fan of tractors since he was a young boy. He grew up on a farm and was obsessed with the giant machines. He ate, slept and drank tractors, his room was covered with posters of them, bed sheets, t-shirts, the whole works.
He met a girl, fell in love and eventually got married. She didn't share his love of tractors quite as much and began to get upset as Alan would spend more time at tractor conventions than with her. Weekends away, and even when he was home all he talked about were tractors.
One day She said "Right! I've had enough Alan, I love you to bits, you're my whole world. But I can't go on with you spending more time with friggin tractors than with your wife". She gave him a choice, "It's me or the tractors Alan, what will it be?". Alan wasn't stupid, he replied "Of course it is you my love, I'll give up tractors, I love you."
That was the end of tractors for Alan, everything to do with them was GONE. He didn't know what to do with all his free time, so he and his Wife went for long walks through the country side, occasionally seeing a tractor or two. However he wouldn't say a word, he genuinely was not interested in them anymore.
One day Alan and his wife were walking through the fields when they noticed a barn on fire, with people inside. With no time to wait for the fire brigade Alan ran down to help the people inside the barn. "You know what to do Alan!", screamed his wife. Alan knew exactly what to do, he ran into the barn and took in a deep breath. Inhaling all the smoke Alan ran outside and blew the smoke into the air, after doing this a few times he managed to clear the whole barn of smoke and rescue the people inside. They were amazed and very grateful to Alan for his help.
"How the hell did you do that?" asked one of them.
"Oh no problem" he said, I'm an ex-tractor fan".
A Catholic daughter had not been home for over 5 years.
Upon her return her Father cursed her heavily.
'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother through?'
The girl, crying, replied, Dad... I became a prostitute.'
'Ye what!? Get out a here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.'
'OK, Dad... as ye wish. I only came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion, plus a 5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club ... (takes a breath) ... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera.'
'What was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad.
Girl, crying again, 'A prostitute, Daddy!.'
'Oh! My Goodness! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant!"
Because it wasn't good for Adam to be all by himself, the Lord came down for a visit.
"Adam," the Lord said, "I have a plan to make you a very happy man. I'm going to give you a companion who will fulfill your every need and desire. She will be loving, and beautiful, and faithful. She will make you feel wonderful every day of your life."
Adam was stunned, "That sounds incredible!"
"I'm glad you like the idea, but it doesn't come cheap." The Lord replied. "It will cost you an arm and a leg."
"That's a pretty high price to pay," Adam said. "What can I get for a rib?"
A man takes a seat on a plane next to, none other than, the Pope.
The whole flight the man sweats beads being so nervous having been sat next to his holiness.
The man is able to keep his calm and avoid an awkward conversation as the Pope focuses all of his attention on a crossword puzzle.
A couple hours into the flight the man hears his Holiness mumbling in frustration at his puzzle. Eventually the man musters up the nerve to ask the Pope “is there anything I can help you with?”
The Pope says “yes my son. I need a 4-letter word for a woman ending in _UNT”
The man is absolutely horrified. He can’t tell the Pope the answer!! He is the most holy earthling alive. So he thinks and thinks and thinks until finally- it comes to him. He shouts out “of course! Aunt!”
The Pope returns to his puzzle and mumbles again before turning back to the man and asks “do you have an eraser?”
A panda walks into a bar. Orders a meal and quietly eats it. When the bartender comes with the check, the panda pulls out a shotgun, shoots the bartender, and prepares to leave the bar. The bartender, on his last breath, screams “Why?!”
The panda pulls out a dictionary, points to the entry on pandas, which reads: Panda (n.) – Eats shoots and leaves.
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