This guy walks into a quiet bar.

He is carrying three ducks, one in each hand, and one under his left arm. He places them on the bar. He has a few drinks and chats with the bartender. The bartender is experienced, and has learned not to ask people about the animals that they bring into the bar, so he doesn't mention the ducks. They chat for about 30 minutes before the guy with the ducks has to go to the restroom. The ducks are left on the bar. The bartender is alone with the ducks. There is an awkward silence. The bartender decides to try to make some conversation. "What's your name?" He says to the first duck. "Huey" replies the first duck. "How's your day been, Huey?" "Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day." "Oh. That's nice," says the Bartender. Then he says to the second duck "Hi, and what's your name?" "Dewey," came the answer. "So how's your day been, Dewey?" "Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. If I had the chance another day I would do the same again." So the bartender turns to the third duck and says, "So, you must be Louie." "No," growls the third duck, "my name is Puddles, and don't ask about my day."

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The President is walking out of the White House and heading toward his limo, when a possible assassin steps forward and aims a gun.

A secret service agent, new on the job, shouts “Mickey Mouse!”

This startles the would be assassin and he is captured.

Later, the secret service agent’s supervisor takes him aside and asks, “What in the hell made you shout 'Mickey Mouse'?”

Blushing, the agent replies, “I got nervous. I meant to shout...... “Donald duck.”

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A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender,

"If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The bartender pours the man a drink on the house and he puts the rat and piano away. After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pockets again and pulls out the tiny rat and tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into a third pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music. While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money. "Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!" "Don't worry about it," the man answered. "The frog was nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."

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An IQ below 70 qualifies you for having an intellectual disability

Now I just need to figure out if that's in Celcius or Fahrenheit

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How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irish man...

None

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Her: I'm leaving you because you're too cocky.

Him: Close the door on your way back in.

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I left my ex-girlfriend because of her obsession with counting...

I wonder what she's up to now?

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