Either you get twice the amount of dad-jokes, or you get stuck in an endless loop of "go ask your mother".
Thứ Bảy, 9 tháng 3, 2019
A priest told me this joke as a kid.
There were 3 men, they were best friends, and they were quite unhealthy. Their names were, Bert, Chester, and Earl.
They were actually really unhealthy and Bert decided that he needed to take charge of him and his friends' health. He decided that they were going to be on a diet together to help them live for as long as possible. He broke the news to his friends, and they weren't too happy about it, but they decided to go along with it anyways, because they knew how out-of-shape they all were. It was tough for them all to stick to the plan at times, however they got through it together. They each lost between 120-140 pounds over the course of 20 years and were in amazing shape for their age.
One day the 3 of them were given great news.
Bert got a call, he answered it, then turned around to everyone and said:
"Guys! My daughter just had a child! I'm going to be a grandpa!". Everybody was celebrating for Bert when Earl got a call from his son. He answered it, and turned around to everybody and said:
"Guys! My son is going to get married today! I'm so excited!". Everybody was now celebrating for Bert and Earl, when Chester got a call. He answered it, turned around and said to everybody:
"Guys! My family is having a reunion today! I'm going to see so many people that I haven't seen in years!".
They found out that the wedding, hospital, and park where the reunion was were all in the same town, and decided to carpool together to get there. It had snowed a little the day before and the roads were a little icy. As they were getting onto the highway, their car slipped and ran into a semi-truck. It killed all three of them.
The three of them wake up together in heaven. They notice an angel standing over them and one of them asks
"Where are we?". The angels says:
"Congratulations, you made it to heaven". The angel decides to show them around the place and starts at a banquet. "Here is a banquet for you three to enjoy, you've earned it". Chester looks a little sad, and Earl notices and asks him,
"What's wrong?". Chester finally speaks up,
"Okay, this is so nice of you to put together, but we're on a diet. I wouldn't want to overdo my calorie intake for the day". The angle replies to them,
"No worries, you can have as much food as you like without worrying about it". The guys are elated by that news, when the angel decides to show them another place.
Next, the angel decides to show them a place where they can spend time having fun. He shows them to a massive building with games everywhere you look. There are at least 50 pool tables, 30 bowling alley lanes, people are playing poker, there are arcade games everywhere, and tons of people enjoying themselves. He tells them,
"This is where you may spend much of your time, if you choose. Many people enjoy it here and you might find some new friends". The guys really like this room, but Earl notices that Chester is looking sad again. Earls asks him,
"What's wrong?". Chester responds with,
"My wife left me because of my gambling problems, I don't want to disappoint anyone else because of it. I'm afraid I wont be able to enjoy this area". The angel then slightly irritated lets him know,
"Don't you see? There are no problems here. You don't have to worry about gambling issues, because money isn't an issue here". Chester is especially happy to hear that news, and the angel decides to show them where they are going to live.
The angel finally takes them to the third place, and it is a huge mansion. The guys are led inside, when the angel says,
"This is where you three can live, if you choose to. Otherwise we have some other mansions, if you don't want to live alone". The guys are very intrigued by the house, they notice a big window on a wall with an amazing view. They could see for at least 5 miles clearly. They all can't help but gasp when looking through the window. Earl can't help but be concerned about this place. He decides to ask,
"So, uh... What's the rent here?". The angel looks back at them with an irritated glare are replies
"Nothing? It's free". Earl is sure to thank the angel and says,
"Wow! That's so kind of you guys!". Bert notices that Chester is looking a little sad. Bert says,
"What's wrong Chester? Isn't it amazing here?". Chester looks up, looks Bert in the eye and says a little mad,
"If it weren't for your goddamn diet. Bert. We could've been here 20 years ago!".
A woman is pregnant with triplets.
She lives in a terrible neighborhood and one day is caught in the middle of a drive by shooting. She is rushed to the hospital for emergency surgery. When she wakes up the doctor tells her that all of her babies will live, however each one was hit by a bullet and they were unable to remove them.
The woman ends up giving birth to two girls and a boy.
13 years later the first daughter approaches her mom and says, "hey, mom, I was going to the bathroom and a bullet came out." So the woman explains to her daughter what happened.
A few days later the second daughter approaches her mom and says, "hey, mom, my period just started and a bullet came out." So the woman explains to her daughter what happened.
A few days later she sees the son laughing hysterically and approaches him and asks what's the matter.
The son replied, "I was masturbating and I shot the dog."
A guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.
He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.
"What's up?" he says.
"I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.
He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says,"Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!"
The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor.
“You rotten bastard," says the husband,"my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!!!”
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