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Thứ Sáu, 15 tháng 3, 2019

A man goes for confession ...

The priest says “Tell me son why are you here”

“Well father , during the war , I hid a Jewish family in my attic and saved them from certain death.” the man replied.

The priest taken aback replies , “Well son this is a rather noble act that the lord would be proud of , why are you here at confession? “

“Well father , I charged them rent to stay in my attic.” the man replied.

“This is not right son , we should help others without asking anything in return , this is the true Christian way” the priest replied.

The man replied , “ Well in that case should I tell them that the war is over ? “

Donald Trump dies and goes to hell

In 50 years, he comes to the devil and says: "I know I'm going to spend an eternity here. I would like to ask you for a favor. I miss my country, I miss the United States. Can I go back to Washington DC for 15 minutes? I will go to the nearest bar, drink some beer and have a little chat with the bartender. Then I will return to stay here forever."

The devil says "Okay, but I will change your body for the time you are there. Nobody would know or believe you are actually Donald Trump".

"That's even better!" says the president. And the next moment POOF! He appears next to a bar. He walks in, orders a mug of beer and starts talking to the bartender:

"I have been in a coma for quite a long time. I don't know what's going on in the world. How is our country doing?"

"Can't be better!" says the bartender happily. "We are the mightiest nation in the world, we no longer have ANY external threats! All political issues have been resolved! Every country is either our loyal ally or is completely controlled by our government!"

"Wait a second" - Trump can't believe his ears - "What about Syria, Iraq, Afghanistan?"

-Everything is ours now! We have conquered them!

-Then what about Ukraine?

-It's also controlled by our government now!

-I can't believe this! What about Mexico? China? Turkey?

The bartender takes a globe from under the desk, spins it around and says proudly: "The whole world belongs to us. I mean it! Every single country!"

Donald Trump is completely shocked. He says in amazement:

"I am speechless. I didn't ever think it was possible by any means. Thank you very much. Anyways, I got to go now. How much for the beer?"

"350₽, comrade!"

My wife sued for divorce because she said I couldn't get an erection.

I had evidence to the contrary, but it wouldn't stand up in court.

What's the best part about fingering a gypsy on her period?

You get your palm red for free

A man and a woman who had never met find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,……….

Ma’am, I’m sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I’m awfully cold.”

“I have a better idea,’ she replied ‘Just for tonight,…… let’s pretend that we’re married.”

“Wow!…………………. That’s a great idea!”, he exclaimed.

“ Good”, she replied. …………… “Get your own f***ing blanket.”

After a moment of silence, …………………… he farted.

I hate those people who knock on your door and tell you you need to be "saved" or you'll "burn"

Stupid firemen.

How many D&D players does it take to change a light bulb?

All of them. Never split the party.