An old Jewish man was finally allowed to leave the Soviet Union, to emigrate to Israel.

When he was searched at the Moscow airport, the customs official found a bust of Lenin.

Customs: What is that?

Old man: What is that? What is that?! Don't say "What is that?" say "Who is that?" That is Lenin! The genius who thought up this worker's paradise!

The official laughed and let the old man through.

The old man arrived at Tel Aviv airport, where an Israeli customs official found the bust of Lenin.

Customs: What is that?

Old man: What is that? What is that?! Don't say "What is that?" say "Who is that?" That is Lenin! The sonofabitch! I will put him on display in my toilet for all the years he prevented an old man from coming home.

The official laughed and let him through.

When he arrived at his family's house in Jerusalem, his grandson saw him unpack the bust.

Grandson: Who is that?

Old man: Who is that? Who is that?! Don't say "Who is that?" say "What is that?" That, my child, is eight pounds of gold!

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I refuse to insult someone by saying that they have mental issues

Only retards do that

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One day, Albert Einstein had to speak at an important science conference.

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:  

"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"

The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place."  

"That's a great idea!" says Einstein. "Let's switch places then!"  

So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it.  

But in the crowd, there is one scientist who wants to impress everyone and thinks of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he won't be able to respond. So this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question. The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response.  

The driver looks at him, dead in the eye, and says :

 "Sir, your question is so easy to answer that I'm going to let my driver reply to it for me."

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I walked into a store and noticed they were selling deer nuts for $1.25

Every other time I've seen them, they were under a buck.

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Genie: you have three wishes

me: make math go away

Genie: ok, that one's on the house

me: yay, so I still get three wishes?

Genie: huh?

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What do you call a deaf gynecologist?

A lip reader

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If you find gold in Australia where do you look for silver?

Agstralia

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