A team of archaeologists were working in Jerusalem when they found a slab of rock with five figures carved on it.

In order the figures were:

1) A Woman. 2) A Donkey. 3) A Shovel. 4) A Fish. 5) A Star of David.

After months of studying the rock and figures on it, the leader took the rock and went on a lecture tour. He said the carvings were several thousands of years old but even so they revealed a lot about the people of that time.

1) The woman being placed first in the line of figures indicated that women were held in very high esteem. It was most likely a family oriented culture.

2) The donkey indicated they had domesticated animals. They probably used the donkey to till the fields.

3) The shovel shows they were highly intelligent as they knew how to make tools.

4) The fish shows they knew how to augment the crops they raised by also reaping from the sea.

5) The Star of David of course indicates they were a very religious group of people.

A little old man in the front row finally got the attention of the speaker. When acknowledged he said "I'm sorry to harm your conclusions, but you were reading it left to right. In Hebrew we read from right to left. That way it reads:

"Holy mackerel dig the ass on that woman!"

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Was once asked on a job interview if I could perform under pressure.

Me: Well I don't know about that, but I'll give Bohemian Rhapsody a try.

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I’ve been taking Viagra for my sunburn.

It doesn’t cure it, but it keeps the sheets off my legs.

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I remember when I was a kid and air pumps at gas stations were free, now they cost a quarter

Damn inflation

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I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking”.

Apparently the correct terms are “Cremation” and “Burial”.

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A train conductor is on death row for derailing a train and killing 50 people.

For his last meal he requested a single banana. The next day the electric chair failed to kill him, so he was let go. He later committed the same dumb fuck mistake and killed 45. Same shit, different sentence, he asked for a banana, and didn't die in the electric chair so THEY LET THE CUNT GO. The same fucking day he derails a train and kills 72! The judge refuses to give him his banana becoming skeptical of what he's doing, and pulls the switch himself and the guy still didn't die.

Guess he just wasn't a good conductor

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A man, a dog, and a goat are the only survivors of a shipwreck

They end up on a deserted island. After a few weeks, the man is feeling very lonely and starts looking at the goat in a new light. One day he tries to have his way with it but the dog growls and scares him off. He goes to sleep unsatisfied.

The next day he tries again, but the dog is there, growling and threatening to attack if the man gets too close to the goat.

The man grows frustrated. One day, he sees a ship foundering off the coast. He is able to save someone from drowning. He gets them to shore and discovers it’s a beautiful woman. She comes to and says “Wow, you saved my life. I’ll do anything to thank you. Anything.”

The man can’t believe his luck. He looks at her and his mind reels with the possibilities.

“Would you mind holding this dog for a minute?”

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