I was in a liquor store and an employee asked me "Do you need help?"

I said "Yes, but I'm going to get whiskey instead"

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I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high.

She looked surprised.

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What does every racist joke start with?

A look over the shoulder.

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Why did the cows keep returning to the field of marijuana?

It was the pot calling the cattle back.

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I picked up a hitchhiker last night. He seemed surprised that I'd pick up a stranger. He asked, "Thanks but why would you pick me up? How would you know I'm not a serial killer?".

I told him the chances of two serial killers in a car would be astronomical.

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The Day The Dinosaurs Died

The Day The Dinosaurs Died
A young paleontologist may have discovered a record of the most significant event in the history of life on Earth.

March 29, 2019 at 09:36PM
via Digg https://ift.tt/2CJtU5L

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I finally told my therapist I was having suicidal thoughts

He said I have to start paying in advance

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