The other day my wife asked me to pass her the lipstick but I passed her glue by mistake

She still isn’t talking to me

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When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me $85.

That’s why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.

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One cow asks another cow, “Are you afraid of mad cow disease?”

The other cow says, “Why should I be? I’m a helicopter.”

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If your phone auto corrects "fuck" to "duck," it's okay to keep it

It's still fowl language

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I asked my wife if I was the only one she'd been with

She said yes, all the others had been nines and tens

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A photon checks into a hotel.

A photon checks into a hotel.

- Do you need help with your luggage, sir?

- No, i'm travelling light.

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Everyone keeps telling me I’m the worst mailman they’ve ever seen.

Shit, I meant to post this somewhere else.

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