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Thứ Năm, 4 tháng 4, 2019
Lori Lightfoot Elected Chicago Mayor, Making Her The First African-American Woman To Lead The City
Lori Lightfoot Elected Chicago Mayor, Making Her The First African-American Woman To Lead The City
Attorney Lori Lightfoot defeated Cook County Board President Toni Preckwinkle in Tuesday's election, making her Chicago's first African-American female mayor, according to unofficial returns.
April 3, 2019 at 09:38AM
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Three dinosaurs find a magic lamp with a genie inside.
The genie says “I can give you all one wish. Anything your heart desires!”
The first dinosaur says “I want a big piece of juicy meat!” And he is given the biggest piece of meat for miles.
The second dinosaur, in an attempt to one up the first says “I want a meat shower!” And he is showered in delicious meat.
The third dinosaur, not to be outdone by the other two says “I want a meatier shower!”
Edit: Thanks for the silver!
A beautiful woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.
The woman seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.
"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," he replied. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?" "Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"What should I tell him?" the flustered bartender managed to stammer.
"Tell him," she whispered, "There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."
After a preacher died and went to heaven, he noticed a New York cab driver had been awarded a higher place than he.
“I don’t understand,” he complained to God. “I devoted my entire life to my congregation.”
God explained to him, “Our policy here in heaven is to reward results. Now, was your congregation well attuned to you whenever you gave a sermon?”
“Well,” the minister had to admit, “some in the congregation fell asleep from time to time.”
“Exactly,” said God, “and when people rode in this man’s taxi, they not only stayed awake, they even prayed.”
I go to the doctor and he asks for a stool sample.
I pull out a small chair from my bag. The doctor yells at me for wasting his time and kicks me out of his office. I go home still not knowing why I'm shitting furniture. My nightmare continues.
Thứ Tư, 3 tháng 4, 2019
A German tourist jumped in the freezing water to save my dog who was drowning...
After he climbed out he handed me the dog and said "here is ze dog, keep him warm and dry him off he vill be fine", I said "are you a vet?", He replied "vet? I'm fucking soaking!"
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