A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.

He decides to test it out at dinner one night.

The father asks his son what he did that afternoon. The son says, "I did some schoolwork."

The robot slaps the son. The son says, "OK, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."

Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?" Son says, "Toy Story."

The robot slaps the son. Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn."

Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was."

The robot slaps the father.

Mom laughs and says, "Well. He certainly is your son!"

The robot slaps the mother.

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A dad walks in on his daughter having sex with her boyfriend. The girl, startled, says, “I’m sorry, Dad.”

Dad, to her: Hi Sorry, I’m Dad.

Then he turns to the boyfriend and says, “Are you fucking sorry?”

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An Asian man and a Jewish man walk into a bar

The Chinese man goes: “Hi, my name is Joe Chan, what’s yours?”

The Jew replies: “Michael Goldberg... Hey you know, I never did forget you Koreans for Pearl Harbor.”

The Chinese man, surprised, replies: “Uhhh... Pearl Harbor was done by the Japanese, not Koreans, and I’m Chinese.”

“Well.. Chinese, Japanese, Korean, what’s the difference?”

“You know... I never did forgive you Jews for sinking the Titanic.”

“Uhhh... but that was an iceberg.”

“Greenberg, Goldberg, iceberg, what’s the difference?”

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As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said

Y'know, one would have been enough.

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I used to love blowing air at people's faces...

...but I'm just not a fan anymore

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What do you get when you mix birth control and LSD

A trip without the kids.

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I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him.

I guess that's what I get for getting a pure bread dog.

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