My girlfriend was complaining that I never buy her flowers.

I didn’t even know she sold them.

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Doctor: "Don't worry Dave, it's just a small operation"

Patient: "but doc my name's not Dave!"

Doctor: "I know, it's my name"

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I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high

She seemed surprised.

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Donald Trump was asked what the J in Donald J Trump stood for

He said 'Genius'

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A man came home to find his house burned down, only the chimney was still standing. Since he had no where else to go, he slept in his fireplace that night. In the morning the mailman came to deliver and found the man waking up. The mailman remarked that he was impressed the man got any sleep at all.

To which the man replied, "actually I slept like a log."

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What did the librarian say to the child?

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As a kid I always thought a snail would move faster without its shell...

But they only became more sluggish

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