My wife just left me. She thinks I’m too paranoid.

Edit: False alarm, she was just getting the mail.

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My girlfriend enjoys "doggy style" in the bedroom.

I sit up and beg, she rolls over and plays dead.

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What do you call a belt made out of watches?

A waist of time.

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TurboTax Deliberately Hides Its Free File Page From Search Engines

TurboTax Deliberately Hides Its Free File Page From Search Engines
The makers of TurboTax as well as H&R Block promised the IRS to offer free filing for many Americans. But they're keeping Google from seeing it.

April 26, 2019 at 09:57PM
via Digg http://bit.ly/2ZzfL4Y

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A man goes to the track and bets $2 on a long shot and wins $18.

So he puts that $18 in the 2nd race and wins again $128. Again he puts it all on a long shot in the 3rd

race and again wins $770!

He keep doing this for each race, and finally on the last race he puts his entire winnings so far - $1,941,550!

The crowds are all around him watching this race, because at 8:1 odds he can win $15,532,402!

They're off! Everybody is cheering an urging on the horse, who seems to slide back a bit, and comes in last! Everybody

is so disappointed - a truly exciting day.

The man goes home and his friend asks him how'd he do at the truck. He answers: "I lost $2."

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This asshole thought that just because some fancy, expensive vehicle, he could go as fast as he wanted and weave inbetween cars. So I got in front of him and slowed down to 10kmph below the speed limit lmao

Fuckin ambulances I swear

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What's similar between a pregnant 14 year old and the fetus inside her?

They're both thinking "oh shit, my mom's gonna kill me"

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